trapped in nether zone, not up not down not even, well I guess down cause I feel flat, like a bottom of something. Bored but not energised to fill my time with something interesting. Tomorrow I take my work down to the show and they will set it up along with my colleagues' work (note the term used).
Back to neurofeedback, read up on my affected Brodman areas, it makes sense. 2 regions of note are those associated with "treatment resistant" depression (whatever) and that would appear to be me. Also involved are heavy thinking associated with unremitting downward spirally thinking, that again would be me.
Feeling pretty friendless. I think I try very hard to control my surroundings and I think that includes the people I choose to be in my life. I think, and this is not pretty or easy to admit, that I have very manipulative behaviours and that I try to surround myself with people whose behaviours I think can predict - pretty arrogant, but also true I think. I am a controlling person. Not very nice.
I am working on being a kinder person, more driven by compassion than my hurt feelings. Cause i get triggered then want to lash out at the target in question but then if I act out of compassion instead, there is the opportunity for growth and healing, perhaps for both of us.
I just wish I didn't feel so shitty all of the time. That really is awful, hurting so much so often, it just stops me. It just stops me from participating in this world in a meaningful way.
Post from 2011 - Who am I if I'm not suicidal? What is life like? Where am I uncomfortable because I'm not suicidal? It feels anxiously flat, a nervous nothingness So I feel ...
8 months ago