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Thursday, January 10, 2013

ok what am I grateful for today?

My husband who makes me feel better with his hugs. my dog who sometimes seem to like me. he's soft and fluffy, I love his coat.

I love the sun and wind and waves and mountains that were so clear today.

I am please I sent in a proposal today to Gallery Gachet!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

A starter list of gratitude

I ask that sadness, guilt, shame, self-hatred and anger leave my body.

Thank you to my brain for making serotonin and dopamine.
I thank my brain for helping me survive.

I am grateful for my husband, for shelter, for my dog, for clothing, for food, for air, for where I live, for the trees and the water. I am grateful for birds, I am grateful for seals and sea lions. I am grateful for music.

I am grateful for kind people. I am grateful for my friends. I am grateful for feeling loved. I am grateful for laughter, for moments of shared hilarity.
I am grateful for this space to write these thoughts down.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

With this of all things

being sad is past tiresome. It's a new year, but really it's just a different day. It's only an agreed upon frame of reference. I feel like I am waiting but I am only waiting for myself to show up, there will be no miracle, no one will come to save me if I cannot do it for myself. It's a horrible feeling that I cannot find any spark, I think I only have them as I rub off on others, I suppose that is fitting. Wood, metals, they emit energy when struck together. balloons and materials emit smaller sparks as electrical energy. Being alone I struggle to expend my own energy, but I fear being with others, no one knows the fear, I prefer to stay in hiding, to sit with my envy, my sadness, my remorse, my disappointment. I am living in fear of being alive. My courage escapes me, it is dwarfed by my sadness. It is said first mourn then work for change, but I can't seem to stop mourning. I sometimes work through the tears but it gets hard and my tears need their expression this much I know because they persist so mightily.With this of all things I would that I was finished.