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Sunday, June 22, 2014

Brodman Areas

trapped in nether zone, not up not down not even, well I guess down cause I feel flat, like a bottom of something. Bored but not energised to fill my time with something interesting. Tomorrow I take my work down to the show and they will set it up along with my colleagues' work (note the term used).

Back to neurofeedback, read up on my affected Brodman areas, it makes sense. 2 regions of note are those associated with "treatment resistant" depression (whatever) and that would appear to be me. Also involved are heavy thinking associated with unremitting downward spirally thinking, that again would be me.

Feeling pretty friendless. I think I try very hard to control my surroundings and I think that includes the people I choose to be in my life. I think, and this is not pretty or easy to admit, that I have very manipulative behaviours and that I try to surround myself with people  whose behaviours I think can predict - pretty arrogant, but also true I think. I am a controlling person. Not very nice.

I am working on being a kinder person, more driven by compassion than my hurt feelings. Cause i get triggered then want to lash out at the target in question but then if I act out of compassion instead, there is the opportunity for growth and healing, perhaps for both of us.

I just wish I didn't feel so shitty all of the time. That really is awful, hurting so much so often, it just stops me. It just stops me from participating in this world in a meaningful way.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

My eyes aren't adjusting well

and plummeting down again, it's so discouraging. making headway it seems then I'm back in this hole. shit.
but the bright side is that if I am having moments of above the line this is what throws my down side into sharp relief.
so much is going on that is positive and life-force affirming but now that, for the first time in a long time., I have something to compare the blackness to, it seems blacker, my eyes do not adjust so well. And I just feel so tired and spent, it really sucks.
This above the line feels so  fragile, I place so much trust in it and then it falls apart. surprise.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

On my way

so much better. although a migraine is plodding out of my head.

Met with an incredibly authentic, kind, gracious, brilliant woman at UVic who has agreed to be one of my PhD supervisers. Such an overwhelming feeling of gratitiude. I felt not only heard, but seen. Being seen and welcomed aboard is so very validating, although the term validating is inadequate to express how I felt while speaking with her.

I immediately wrote to another prof who said no but who encouraged me to contact some other folks. Which reminds me I may have a "cross" referral there too! Better get to it.

After this emboldening, heartening experience, I  could feel all of the other recent crap just float away in its mediocrity and smallness. Sigh.

Feeling a lot less obsessed over fb.  I am so relieved, a very powerful addiction for me, I realise I would never be able to use it in a healthy way. I am better off blogging and emailing and skyping and telephoning and writing. And walking!

I am so thankful that I have had these recent reminders of what happiness can feel like, and I know more clearly now what got me there. I think definitely the more intensive exercise and getting serious about my diet.

So let's go...

Monday, June 2, 2014


clearly I have been addicted to FB, I feel this big hole in my life and that is not good.

Fuming: the cows aren't home yet

I really wrestling with some pretty intense feelings over what happened. Starting to doubt myself again , feeling like it was just me that fucked up and that if I had been a better facilitator things would have worked out differently and yet there is another part of me that is the more grounded voice saying, no I got ambushed. And I scrambled to find some solid ground and said things I wish I hadn't in ways I wish I hadn't, feeling very foolish and punished.

I am grateful to have a couple really wondrous friends in my life right now who work hard at listening (hopefully I provide that for them as well) and I feel like a shithead for asking for that support but I know I would unquestionably give them the same so I guess I still have a long uphill battle to take my space and stand my ground and really value myself in the way I encourage others to value themselves.


I guess I'll just keep processing til the cows come home.

Sunday, June 1, 2014


I was gaslighted.

That is what happened.

I stood up for myself against a man who thought I had no right to. So he ambushed and punished me.

A master of the gaslight.