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Thursday, November 17, 2016

Currently Self-stoppered

Sitting here feeling low. No motivation (ok I did just email my therapist, it's been  maybe 4 months since I last saw her). I'm long overdue for submitting some writing to my supervisor. Psychiatrist wants to change my meds to an MAOI rather than an SSRI or SNRI. I would rather quit them. The idea of Marijuana use has been more in my thinking. Not smoking but drinking or eating, add it to salads or Smoothies???? Brilliant.

This numbness is nothing. Is this how I am protecting myself. When I do feel it's just anguish; for myself, for others. And lots of guilt and shame for not using what gifts I possess to help the world. There is so much need right now, as ever and I do not know where to direct  any excess energy I might have. I am fearful of letting people down. I feel like that is all I can do, what a skill set. I want to help yet I'm not helping myself much in any soul-restoring way.  Nothing seems to feed me, I am inertia, I balk at movement.

Depression sucks. Although the internal argument rages: I'm faking it, I'm not trying hard enough. No one I will allow myself to speak to.  I could talk for days and days I know, just an endless stream of thought, feeling, once unstoppered. Currently self-stoppered.

I want to feel better, some say i should express gratitude and that that will help me feel better. Maybe I am not sincerely grateful. I have all these external trappings, yet remain depressed. Can I be truly grateful if numb? My feelings are jockeying for position. The sadness I feel wants to be heard first before anything else, it wants, understandably, to be honoured with acknowledgment. It wants attention.

I am still waiting to be rescued, noticed in a way that finally instills self-love. Hence the rush after performing. I don't think I'm a good candidate for choir, I'm very needy and am not always in control of that, so I can see where I could become problematic. I feel so much anxiety when I am there, I love to sing but know my neglected self wants attention so much I will cause problems.

I guess I need to call and talk to the group about this, somehow.

Awww, the feelings are almost here,I'm glad I wrote, even if it makes sense only to me, it's helped me connect to me. So good for me for writing.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

threat from within

 So my feelings are here I'm not sure what it's about just sitting here in tears welling up wanting to connect but not wanting to call anyone because I don't want to bother anyone these are the times I feel alone  these are the times when I feel for an end alien I'm sitting in my chair of comfort surrounded by it's soft arms it's like a little cave I sink in I hide  but I need the tears to come I felt nothing for a while now some sort of safety in numbness I don't know what to do the world is so much pain and I sit here not doing anything just feeling the same wanting to rescue everyone And I can't I have so much privilege I want to give it all up but I don't think that's possible so the alternative is to go and use my privilege for someone else's help such a helpless feeling but I am not any threat of death except that my own hand there's no war here except inside, no one is bombing me no one is threatening me, just me. The threat comes from within.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

reeling for 45 years

Seeking grace amidst disappointment and I guess a sense of betrayal, these are dangerous feelings for me. Ever since the first great betrayal - that I remember - I have not responded well to real or perceived betrayal. It cuts me very deeply. The test now is how I respond, I have great doubts in my ability to be gracious. I worry that I am not cut from that cloth. So now I'm thinking of who I can seek for advice as to how best to handle it. I feel the parallels between when i was asked to leave that and, and really, deservedly so, much to my regret and shame. I remember a few days later thinking. Thinking hard about hanging my self from a playground. That was 11 years ago. The original one was close to 45 years ago and I can still feel the reel, the numbness from it being too big and awful to take in.

The high road is harder, it's daunting especially when I really want to say stop with the fucking betrayals already. Just stop.

Don't feed me shit about how all this makes me stronger, wiser , I can't see it. Just feel more scarred, more cut, more bloodshed. Hope I don't contract an emotional infection. All these open wounds, can't keep track of all of them.

Argh


Monday, August 29, 2016

Hatred as Default

 I have been trying to quit Twitter, as with everything else I quickly became addicted and just felt
Heartbroken, so much potential lost in misunderstanding and anger. So many angry people, it's so overwhelming I just could not take it all in. I learned just how protected my life has been and is, living on this island in this very homogenous population doesn't test me often. People who aren't white, who'd have less economic means than I, people, with more severe physical and mental limitations,not getting the support they should, if we really were a universally caring society, if compassion was our #1 motivator, would we all be dead? Has our drive for survival led us to default to violence rather than peaceably resolved hurt and disappointment. Are we just all about survival of the species to the extent that we wilfully erase our fellow humans because they look different, are we just an extreme herd mentality, is this what informs and feeds our racism our hatred.

Despondency is a clinging mist if I ever breach(too active a verb, how about glimpse) my depressive cloud immersion. Does my body think I need depression like I need Water, is depression really just an internal revolutionary act, does depression force me to stay safe. I do kinda get clobbered pretty much every time I venture into the world.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Hope as a Pilgrimage of Interior Illumination

so i'm sitting here feel lost, need to talk, I am alone, so I guess it's just us. No fancy links, or images, or entertainments, just us

recovering from latest pan-gastrointestinal system meltdown, feeling physically weak, although to my credit I drove myself down to AF beach and just dove into the ocean for a wonderful swim, I'm thinking ocean swimming is pretty sweet after all , I miss the Ontario lakes of my child hood.

Not so much new although I endeavoured to act like a regular human being an participated in the recent local art symposium about cultural mapping. So much seemingly new information encoded with a blend of new knowledge and exclusive jargon. Very interesting, lots of incredibly energetic people with innovative thinking and "ways forward". I am sincerely glad I attended. yet the after affect, the side affect if you will, of being in such close physical, emotional and spiritual proximity to so many people, with my ears tuned in and empathy unable to filter the many competing - and justifiably so - factions.

Some authentic, compassionate people, I think I could be safe with, potential friends whose parallel challenges keep us forever isolated from each other and others. Looking inward, thinking hard, straining for insight and "outsight".

So much pain inside, tears while I swam, the ocean reclaiming, me remaining hidden in full view. The rawness of the ocean welcomes me it's a flirtation with danger, I know, but it soothes me so.AM i heading towards an edge, a brink? I don't know I am pleased that I spoke up in many ways these past few weeks. So much injustice in the world and all of it needing time and care yet everything is rushing around accelerating into madness. the water slows me down of necessity and compels me deeper. It is good there were many others there.It's vast embrace  calls to me i belong there when I do nowhere else.I want to belong, I do have things to offer, even if it's just my ever-listening ears, yet would I find connection if I left this world, I rather doubt it and the concomitant trap enrages me.

Hoping by writing I could reach my tears again. I'm very tired. Always it seems.

I want to be feel I matter, that i am worth this life, what will it take? It seems an impossible goal, I am almost 53. Do I take myself up on the challenge of a pilgrimage? And spend the rest of my days in anonymity seeking and destroying connection to this earth?

Madness and sadness. Enveloping, caressing, seeking ingress. Am I allowing it in or out? I don't know. Illumination escapes.

So many people putting their faith in a god. I seem obsessed with this idea and need to keep these kinds of thoughts to myself.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Still Unpacking my white privilege

Shitty

Twitter is my latest addiction and I got into trouble. There's so much I don't fully get about my white privilege that is quite obvious to women of colour, I feel really fucking stupid and horrible that I hurt some women in my ignorance. When I re-read my words I do sound high and mighty. Fuck. Just tired now. Tired of fighting, of being wrong coupled with feeling unjustly labelled (that's my pride speaking up). All of this intersectional thinking is confusing because,because I am white I have all this unearned privilege which seems to overshadow every time I have felt hurt. I need to find my voice and I also need to NOT oppress anyone when I do speak. Feeling ashamed, chastened.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

The Small Stain of My Existence

My numbness envelopes me. Channelling cocoons with no commensurate butterfly.
Non-transformation.

I have lived in fear since I became conscious. Fear of being wrong being different - yet at times celebrating my weirdness. Confusing.

So still am I.

The waves of shame slam into me, force my head under.

where next, how next? I am just done now? Is there no making left? Some ideas came, left unrealised. My head hurts me with its recriminations, accusations, judgments. The y are endless, tireless, devout. Killing me cruelly, little nicks, vast chunks of me fall away.A phantom lingers, in and out of bed, wearing a path into the house landscape.

So much potential, thwarted, wasted, eroded. So little left to offer. Doesn't that mean it's time to die? What positive do I bring to this world? Just something to worry about. The relief that would come when I finally die, that is what I believe. Grief then relief. Because people must move on and live their lives. I will be a small stain perhaps.

My brain is wasting away, losing power, losing the power of deduction. Losing logic.

I would be all sadness save I am numb.

Waiting.