why do I remain haunted by stupid shit that happened over a decade ago? These aren't even life threatening or harmful to anyone, but they were missed opportunities, places perhaps where my fears limited me, or I allowed them to. doomed to live an insignificant life. Why am I so obsessed with being famous? Would it mean I was worthy ? Is that it? Why cannot i just be happy with what I have, feel satisfied with what I have accomplished? What haunts is a feeling of not living up to my potential, a familiar experience to many I imagine. Dreams lost, drained away, seepage into the surrounding soil of our lives detritus.
Pondering the spirit and it's sublime companion hope. Sublime because hope is a slippery slope, it can sustain you with crumbs and is evil.
The spirit is independent of the external I believe, when all has been said and done to a person it is the internal that decides the next course of action.
Belief in oneself, reliance, faith in whatever internal strengths remain after all has been said and done.
Without this, there is no hope. I think in order to sustain my will to live, this internal will must need exist independently of anything and everything else, it must not be subject to the external. I must be able to feed my will and take this nourishment, for me to survive, for me to prosper. When I look around the world and all the things being done to people, to animals, to the earth herself, I cannot but believe anything else.
If my spirit is resilient, I will abide.
If my spirit is fragile, it is only a matter of time.