Search This Blog

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Currently Self-stoppered

Sitting here feeling low. No motivation (ok I did just email my therapist, it's been  maybe 4 months since I last saw her). I'm long overdue for submitting some writing to my supervisor. Psychiatrist wants to change my meds to an MAOI rather than an SSRI or SNRI. I would rather quit them. The idea of Marijuana use has been more in my thinking. Not smoking but drinking or eating, add it to salads or Smoothies???? Brilliant.

This numbness is nothing. Is this how I am protecting myself. When I do feel it's just anguish; for myself, for others. And lots of guilt and shame for not using what gifts I possess to help the world. There is so much need right now, as ever and I do not know where to direct  any excess energy I might have. I am fearful of letting people down. I feel like that is all I can do, what a skill set. I want to help yet I'm not helping myself much in any soul-restoring way.  Nothing seems to feed me, I am inertia, I balk at movement.

Depression sucks. Although the internal argument rages: I'm faking it, I'm not trying hard enough. No one I will allow myself to speak to.  I could talk for days and days I know, just an endless stream of thought, feeling, once unstoppered. Currently self-stoppered.

I want to feel better, some say i should express gratitude and that that will help me feel better. Maybe I am not sincerely grateful. I have all these external trappings, yet remain depressed. Can I be truly grateful if numb? My feelings are jockeying for position. The sadness I feel wants to be heard first before anything else, it wants, understandably, to be honoured with acknowledgment. It wants attention.

I am still waiting to be rescued, noticed in a way that finally instills self-love. Hence the rush after performing. I don't think I'm a good candidate for choir, I'm very needy and am not always in control of that, so I can see where I could become problematic. I feel so much anxiety when I am there, I love to sing but know my neglected self wants attention so much I will cause problems.

I guess I need to call and talk to the group about this, somehow.

Awww, the feelings are almost here,I'm glad I wrote, even if it makes sense only to me, it's helped me connect to me. So good for me for writing.