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Friday, March 16, 2018

i don't feel loved

Still here. Not enough energy to leave.
Learning more and more about how little I know: about me, about everything.

I don't feel loved. Complicating this: I wouldn't recognize it if I was loved. Also, I don't feel loveable anyway.

I feel alone and lonely, I feel too far gone. How can I learn to love myself when I have no experience of feeling love or loved?  It's a deep hole I've dug. A series of caves and passages and chambers. I'm deeply hidden. Deeply damaged.

I cannot even imagine what feeling healthy - aka depression and ptsd-free - would feel like.

Good night.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Depression is killing me

Feeling so beyond-saving toxic. I'm my own chemical spill. Nothingness envelopes.

Frightening really, if I could feel anything so intense. Numbness or crying, that's my likert scale. Therapist helping me release, yet I wonder if I just keep stockpiling toxic feelings. The respite I have is numbness.

I'm so tired. So despairing of ever feeling better. I'm not sure if I even want to feel better anymore because of the hope  of it's possibility implied. Hope can be cruel when  nothing changes. I feel so weak, so unable to help myself. This toxic self loathing permeates every cell.


Where to go, what to do. Do I just give up and slowly erode into the earth? I kinda have given up in many ways. What remains?

There is band and choir.going out takes so much. Nothing feels easy or manageable, always fear-laden. I am bewildered to think that some people aren't depressed. It seems impossible to me. Can't imagine what feeling better would look like. Only maybe I would feel motivation. I would feel interest in things.

Everything feels hard. And I'm so tired. So tired.

Monday, January 1, 2018

more of the same

Thinking a lot about how I can learn to love myself. How can I make some changes so that I feel better. I realize I am mainly motivated by a desire to feel worth loving. Everything. If I get attention it lights a spark in me and I want to continue to receive the attention, and the n if it's unrealistic, not good, etc. I have this fantasy, this longing, to feel, to be, famous. And really, underneath that I just want to be loved. All my life wanting to feel cool, to be cool, to not be one of the mainstream to be special, worth noticing, worth loving. So strong this drive that I chose hurtful attention, cause some attention was better than none.

I feel kind of pathetic, clinging to scraps, searching for scraps. Not too clear on self-respect. Feel a danger to myself and others. Worry I'll ultimately alienate anyone who dares care for me. I'll waste their caring, use it up. And be left with an agonizing self-fulfilling prophecy that I am toxic, hence th driving everyone away ting.

I wish I felt quieter inside. I am thankful I have a brain and many creature comforts, in many ways quite fortunate. However.