Search This Blog

Saturday, September 24, 2011

We're all Alternating Currents

feeling bad
why dress it up with adjectives
they get misused all the time anyway
we've maxed out our hyperbole
just listen to the news  - we're crying out for new words
need another Latin
have we truly mined all that is Sanskrit yet?
surely we could give that a good belittling?

so many of us, all trying to  be unique all trying to fit in
it's the crux: should I stay or go?

we're all AC
pushing pulling trapped
not sure there are better alternatives

not sure there are walls to this hole
just that it's dark (ah here they come, the tears) and scary and achingly lonely but I send people away, I don't reach out and don't want to don't want to hurt anyone else, don't want to spoil someone's nice day, just want a nice one for myself, just want to stop longing for end

no words for this

several actually,, but all inadequate to the  cause, I think  perhaps just screaming and wailing and moaning, pre-verbal, ante-verbal and then post-verbal, cycling, spiralling around words, because they've always fallen short. we want new words to speak, new  accurate ways to describe our experience, yet we want to be understood

at least I do, I crave it, must speak in "I". I'm only one, in this sea of voices (someone else said this first) drowning, too distressed to see the ones next to /all around us, hold on, can we really save ourselves? Or is it through helping/holding onto others that I can get out of danger?

Sadly. the barrier is so dense, so obscured, so clever, so many steps ahead. And beside and behind. Surrounded by steps, mired in their midst.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Don't be alarmed - in the event of a real emergency, etc.

Why suicide "note"? Isn't it an immediate pass to "Take this seriously"Does it not earn the magnitude of the moniker "Letter", "Manifesto"?

"Note" sounds casual, like it's less dangerous, less worthy of note (sorry), like calling violence in relationships "domestic", like you could buy a 25 pack at the card store. That'd be something. "This is our new suicide section" "Do you have something in suicides?""Thought of you while drowning/falling/jumping/cutting"

Did they leave a note? Yeah. F#. Or maybe that's just a bad key.

Sadly, been imagining what I might say. Something like: Thank you for loving me, sorry I didn't share your good opinion of me.

Bad mornings - too many in a row. Observing myself from a safe distance. Not even the 500+ dolphins made a dent but thanks anyway universe for trying.

Something please register, other than sad things I mean.
I've been imagining really horrific accidents, involving people/dogs I love. I think I'm looking for a concrete "excuse" for what I am feeling, because nothing is making sense. But then, what does?

Really difficult to imagine what use this can all be.

again. fuck.