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Friday, October 28, 2011

Wait, there's more! New Med (to me)

So Effexor, 2 days now. Was getting desperate as it were. Saw more dolphins - an s-load - and a humpback whale, maybe some gifts from the ocean to say: stick around, there is so much we have yet to show you. Ok. Bring it on.

I know I want to stick around, I just get to feeling pretty stuck, trapped, so sad. Cemented in sadness. But still trying.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

why is it just so hard.I'm not doimg anything except breahting, can't look after a dog, let alone myself, I havent brushed my teeth for months, I havent showered in days, I jus=t want to destroy everything around me, and nin manby ways i hgave and now have no one I feel I can call, I want to scream my fucking head off pull down walls, throw rocks, smash smashsmashm then of course it the feeling of  stupidity, futility, shame. I remember feelingn like this when I WAS A TEENAGER, WHERE DOES TH9IS RAGE COME FORM, IT's awful.fuck.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Rest In Peace

She died in the night. She would have chosen life. A remarkable woman of kindness, grace and humour. Love and peace to you Jane M.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

How low can I go

I hate being depressed. Whenever anyone notices (or decided they have figured out something they can say) why do they always seems surprised to hear I am having a bad day? Hello. This is depression , it's not whimsical (ok, well we can debate that) it isn't something I have"once in a while", it doesn't go into  remission. It is there the whole time. Pretty much everyday is a bad day, with the odd element of niceness.Yes, I am always depressed. Every fucking day is a fight, the only difference, aka when i might seem different, is when I happen to be managing/hiding it better that particular moment.

I have a family friend dying of cancer. We're all fairly certain she's not going to live much longer. I too live with a possibly fatal illness but that doesn't get openly acknowledged as such. People are too afraid to say anything (that is the generous outlook - the not so generous outlook is where I just think no one gives a rat's ass and/or has difficulty believing it's not my fault).

I do not want to be depressed.

I do not want PTSD. I am jumpy, suspicious, want to hide all the time, can't focus, memory is swiss-cheesy, have really nasty thoughts and dreams.

My friend doesn't want  cancer. I'll take her cancer. She wants to live. I'm not sure most days. People will be better off with her in the world. I'm fairly certain at least some people would be much happier if I was not around - so long as they are being honest.

I woke up - again, feeling so lonely and horrible. Then I finally get to the pain of it. Being sad all of the time really hurts a lot. Feeling like a bad person hurts. I hurt all of the time, And I feel very small and cheap right now because I don't have cancer. People say things, meaning well poor things, like "there is always someone worse off". That doesn't help, was it supposed to? Now I feel worse for being small enough to feel sad  - for myself [and for whatever other effing reasons I feel sad] - when someone is dying of cancer. I guess I'm supposedly that much better off. I guess.

But here's the thing(s): people don't get mad at her for having cancer, people don't blame her, or suggest there is something defective about her, or hint that perhaps she deserves it or couldn't cut it or suggest I go find some volunteer work somewhere??????? Although when cancer was first being talked about, apparently people did say those kind of shitty things.

I have no idea what I need or want, except to not feel depressed and to not live with PTSD.

I like to work, I'm a hard worker, it's just that now I'm pretty much unreliable and it's shameful and embarrassing (or does that mean the same thing? I forget).

I'm glad to write, that is important to me, to get through the stagnation, the bottlenecking, to release. This helps.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


Sometimes  there's nothing else but writing. I am at a loss and am drawn back here to say whatever is passing through, just to empty out the empty thought. I wrestle with the blatant self-centredness of this, if I really wanted just to write  to purge, then I would erase, delete,etc. But then I read over old posts, sometimes I see things I didn't before or weren't there before, hmmmmm) but it's part of proving I am not a specter, that I do exist. Something concrete (that's funny, this is the ether after all)In some manner. This becomes a repository (not the kind where bumped up NOT assassins might lurk, but where my thoughts can go, to be examined at a later date, or not).

I seem to be doing better, calmer, the rage is not so quick (yet remains). I am getting up most mornings and staying up, walking the dog (we still struggle), actually had people over to the house for thanksgiving, cooked the big meal and everything, so wonder of wonders. Sadness is misting everywhere, like the 200 names for snow is this sadness inside.

I have made some interesting connections lately, meeting some like minded folk (women really) either of the arty kind, or mental health kind or both. Makes me wonder about the chemistry of beings, the magnetic fields and attractors (detractors too). So many things are so puzzling to me, the cruelty of the world, the narrow fields of vision scanned by most, what's most important most often remains unscanned, unexplored, unventured. Fear dominates I think. Fear  that drives us to avoid, to hide, to narrow, to be wilfully blind to others' suffering "What can one person do?". A great deal, as it turns out. Simple kindnesses everyday will colour your immediate area with light, light your sphere of influence, a little bit here a little there. Kindness is so powerful. I just wish I could think more kindly towards myself. Being kind to others (unless I'm in the throes of the - horrors- trigger) is not hard, in fact it feels good. Being asked to do something compassionate often brings about a feeling of being threatened, but what I have found instead is that when kindness prevails, no one loses, there is no realised threat. Kindness is kind of logarithmic. But then so is meanness.

How I do ramble. This entry feels kind of perky. What the hell.

Love to everyone okay?