Fuming: the cows aren't home yet

I really wrestling with some pretty intense feelings over what happened. Starting to doubt myself again , feeling like it was just me that fucked up and that if I had been a better facilitator things would have worked out differently and yet there is another part of me that is the more grounded voice saying, no I got ambushed. And I scrambled to find some solid ground and said things I wish I hadn't in ways I wish I hadn't, feeling very foolish and punished.
Fuck.

I am grateful to have a couple really wondrous friends in my life right now who work hard at listening (hopefully I provide that for them as well) and I feel like a shithead for asking for that support but I know I would unquestionably give them the same so I guess I still have a long uphill battle to take my space and stand my ground and really value myself in the way I encourage others to value themselves.

Fuck.

I guess I'll just keep processing til the cows come home.