My eyes aren't adjusting well

and plummeting down again, it's so discouraging. making headway it seems then I'm back in this hole. shit.
but the bright side is that if I am having moments of above the line this is what throws my down side into sharp relief.
so much is going on that is positive and life-force affirming but now that, for the first time in a long time., I have something to compare the blackness to, it seems blacker, my eyes do not adjust so well. And I just feel so tired and spent, it really sucks.
This above the line feels so  fragile, I place so much trust in it and then it falls apart. surprise.
blah.