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Saturday, January 28, 2017

Go Target Your Repressed Feelings Elsewhere

Warning: don't read this if you think talking about feelings is weak, or self indulgent or whiny, in fact fuck off if you think this. I need to speak my truth, and that is that I am in emotional agony,everyday, and I'd like to enjoy living and that I'd like to have gratitude for all of the things I have and all of my good fortune but I do not. I am exhausted. Despite whatever sleep I manage to scrape out in the night, I wake up exhausted, I wake up can't-waiting till I get to crawl into bed again. Lots of days I crawl into bed in the middle of the day anyway. This is no way to live and yet I do. And I feel so indulgent and shamed knowing full well that many people won't live to see their 1st birthday or will witness unimaginable horrors in their lifetime or have to leave their homes because of war and so many more people in the world than I suffer. I know this. Yet speaking this denies my feelings. How can I live a fully humane and compassionate and helping existence, like I want, and deny how bad a shape I'm in.
So I think about dying a great deal, because I want this pain to stop, I can't run away from it, masking it with anti-depressants just numbs me out and I might as well be dead for all I do, yet here I am again doing nothing.
Fuck all of you who think I am selfish. Just fuck off to those who say they love me but bully me and tell me how bad I am.
I would love to feel alive and do all the things with all of the gifts I was born with, the ones I have not earned. Whose cruel jest was it that I have no energy or motivation to use these skills. What was the fucking point of that?

I don't believe there are any gods, and if there are any they can also just

This world is full of hurting, agonized innocents. Don't tell me there is a plan. There is just fucking cruelty and greed and suffering with a smattering of kindness to fuck me up with hope.

I'm cutting the mean ones out, go target your repressed feelings elsewhere, don't tell me how strong you are as you bully the vulnerable or better yet get some insight. Get some fucking courage.

Ok. Better.