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Monday, January 30, 2012

Flood Warning

woke up with another bad headache, it's ridiculous how I always spend time pondering whether to just try and sleep it off, that NEVER works, so anyways I did take some meds. Maybe the higher effexor dose is too high.

I just completed a pre-blog survey and unsurprisingly, it was triggering for me. I think the most accurate emotional descriptor I could use is blocked (haha first I wrote blogged, thank you Mr. Freud [sorry, Prof/Dr.]) and with blocked there is no movement, no sensation, have to dig to get at things, I think this writing becomes akin to digging out what I am feeling. Because the longer, even the faster I write (with concomitant typos of course) I get to feeling faster, and the tears come the blissful (sort of) flooding, the
ebbing, I have constructed a sandbag facade and have worked years to have it take hold and hold fast but I can still,eventually get the feelings to crest above and beyond. Despite this concrete(wet concrete to be sure) evidence of sadness, I STILL question, why, how come? Why so much, have I not reached the end of tears? What the hell indeed. I'm still and maybe forever, on flood watch and when I write it's inevitably flood warning. I should not read the news for starters.

I have been googling funny things, things, images, quotes that make me laugh and I feel like it such a pathetic waste of time, but it makes me laugh, where I often wonder at my ability to appreciate humour anymore. It's one of the first things I lost, or rather mislaid, because it returns in bits, I see it first in my response to others'  humor, but once in a while now I say funny things, I used to be known as being funny, Now I feel like I am just a perpetual drag, the dearth of incoming phone calls that are for me (and not computer  generated).

No one calls me. I feel so lonely, I feel a failure at just being human (ahh here they come, the tears) The trigger of acknowledging how lonely,I feel, and I do it to myself I know...

There was a pause, there, I had a pretty "good" (funny, yet commonly used adjective, weird I think) cry, then sudden cessation. And I feel ashamed, I was completely alone, no dog, no husband and I felt like  I needed to hide, I pulled my shirt up over my face, who was I hiding from, yeesh.

Now my husband and dog are back from their morning walk and I was hosing off the dog, he is a gift and a challenge, a good challenge, I forces me to focus to stand up for myself. I'll walk him this afternoon, it will be low tide, perhaps I will beach comb.

7 comments:

  1. I am so sorry that you are dealing with these ups and downs right now. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote it. I'm always asking when will the tears finally run out, and I definitely feel like I'm on flood watch. I'm glad that you have your dog. I hear they are like mini-counselors :) Thinking of you, and I hope the tears run out eventually and are replaced with many more laughs!

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    1. Thank you! I have hope they will. Peace to you.

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  2. http://diaryofasquaretoothedgirl.blogspot.com/2012/01/where-to-find-cocktail-party-with-less.html

    I was just at this blog (she's well worth following, by the way) and she has this video posted and I wasn't going to click on it because who's got the time? But I did play on it and it put this ridiculously happy smile on my face. Have look-see. See if you don't feel like dancing around your own grocery store!!!!

    oxoxxoxo

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  3. And then there's Daisy the Curly Cat, which is just weird but strangely hypnotic. http://daisythecurlycat.blogspot.com/

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    1. Thanks Cath. One of my art [project ideas is to dress like a superhero adn run aorund a grocery store helping people reach things, etc

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  4. Failure at being human. Beautifully said. And understood.

    The survey was somewhat triggering for me as well. But the buildup was from a trigger, so it was just an addition. And the writing started out emotional but cleared up a bit. It usually does for me.

    I love this descriptive post. I think you capture that feeling of isolation and stuck so well.

    I hope it is better now. Found you through Cat's blogroll.

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    1. Thanks missrobin. I hope it is better for you too.

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