Gains and setbacks. eating my feelings, got into the traditional holiday devouring-everything-in-sight tradition and am just starting to decompress and sense some balance returning (I am a libra after all, strange how balance is also indecision). It's just change isn't it, no matter the context good or bad there is a change, a shift in my unsteady state. Some thoughts worthy of epiphany status, some just old, ancient even, companions. Connecting with a new friend, sharing collegial and human experiences finding common grounds, this is helpful, helps challenge the dominance of isolation, evidence of me fighting back, taking a stand against myself as it were. Finding that somethings that I thought were paradox are not, some seemingly co-existing impossibilities simply attest to our complex natures. The taxonomy of good and evil, can't do it, cannot have just two labels of black and white, can't.
We are levels upon/beneath levels of behaviours, capacities, resolutions, results.
When I eat my feelings there is no satiation there is only compacted numbness, so dense it is ironically unfelt, hence the zombie/coma status. Only when I am called upon to raise my thoughts, my eyes, dare I say my hope, I must first break through this density, this blackhole of self where time shifts - where the present the here and now is subdivided incalculably - as soon as I name it now it is become past - the present maybe can never be registered on time, we are too slow to notice, is everything then too late, are we all doomed to act in the aftermath?
Post from 2011 - Who am I if I'm not suicidal? What is life like? Where am I uncomfortable because I'm not suicidal? It feels anxiously flat, a nervous nothingness So I feel ...
10 months ago