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Sunday, December 4, 2011

Pileated and Harbor...oh, yes and Torquemada.

today is better. Saw a pileated woodpecker fly by, always majestic. Saw three harbor porpoises go by, a nice gift. Sadly I give more weight to the mean man and his unfortunate dog. I get the lows, but these moderate any potential highs. Another bad sleep, 3rd day on higher dose of effexor, perhaps it's an adjustment phase. When I'm tired it really overshadows - hello understatement - the day. I wonder if I could sleep in a sensory deprivation chamber - channel an inner Michael Jackson - and I should really use my little foam earplugs of which I have several.
death is with me, quietly clearing its throat, little taps on the shoulder, showing me things, my little companion. so I try to look up and around, to see who or what else might be with me. people suggest I do things to help others, I've tried doing this my whole life, but if there is a way to do it altruistically perhaps it's what I've been missing. don't I have the right to a happy life? I think everyone else has this right so why do I feel I should be denied this? why do I feel like I instead deserve only punishment? What have I done that is so bad? it's really mystifying in my head I know I'm not a bad person but there is another voice, more convinced, more certain, more insistent, so confident that I am bad and so this - this existence of feeling bad - is simply what I have coming to me. Was I Torquemada in a previous life? Must have been.
Thanks to all the kind people who try to help.


  1. I've just started disagreeing with "the voice" whenever it comes up with something bad. Just completely have an all-out argument with it, in my head. By the end of it, I feel better. The feelings of being bad and worthless simply aren't true, and are all a reinforcement from parents, or emotional abuses from the past, also the culture all around you. Just argue with it. Tell it to shove it. You can't win against it all the time, but most of time, it's pretty effective.

    Best of luck in all things. <3 xoxo

    1. Thanks Penney, for witnessing and for supporting, take care. Kelly