It's been a stormy stormy day here on the east coast of Vancouver Island. It's been even stormier inside my head. Years ago I opened a fortune cookie and read "your path will be long and difficult but you will be greatly rewarded".
Silly I guess, but I held on to it for years, kept on my various desk blotters, even since Victoria I think. It came with me to Petawawa and back to Comox. I saw it as a beacon of hope, a talisman to keep me grounded I suppose. For so long now the first part of it has proved true so I reasoned the second shall eventually come to fruition as well. Hence the hopeful bit.
I often think about what a "great reward" could be, what it might entail. I know my desire forf ame is in fact my desire to feel worthy of this life I have been given. There are many kinds of rewards: the obvious ones money, job satisfaction, a thank you, a smile. There are as many things that feel rewarding as there are people on this planet I suppose. Many guises, ones that are obvious and ones that reveal themselves later.
I have recently experienced a disappointment of spirit-crushing potential and am trying very hard to see through to the second part of it as well. It's very challenging. And it's about all I can say for now.
Post from 2011 - Who am I if I'm not suicidal? What is life like? Where am I uncomfortable because I'm not suicidal? It feels anxiously flat, a nervous nothingness So I feel ...
6 months ago