what to write. Probably need to, probably in one of those cemented states that needs a little emotional jackhammering to loosen things up. Animals shake after heavy stress aka just escaped the predator, so that explains why exercise, of the vigorous nature does the trick. dancing, jumping running, fast walking, had a faster walk this morning courtesy of a neighbour who is becoming friendlier towards me, trust builds slowly sometimes, if at all. Me, I remain uncertain as to whether I trust anyone, not completely, I don't think that's a reality (or should be) for anyone, or maybe that's just a sad statement about me. I was breached far too early and far too completely to trust I think. Then when the steady erosion continues what is there left, a loss of trust in myself. I don't trust myself, emotions when I let myself register them are suspect. Who I am drawn to, suspect, just like Groucho Marx, it's amazing how powerful, how innate it seems, just like breath, except that I breathhold, and didn't know it for so long, discovered only when I learned to scuba dive when i kept returning from dives with so much more air left in my tanks, that it stood out. Then I met another breathholder and voila mutual validation. That was at the same workshop wherein I learned that my boundaries were so rigid I didn't allow anyone even close, I kept people not just at bay but an entire ocean's worth away. I still do. This morning a fellow dog owner invited me to join a group on a trip to a nice local beach , a place Strider loves to go (I do too in fact) my first response, of course, fear, and an internal silent scream - no, don't ask me. Is it the fear of expectations? Not just fearing I'll not live up to them (that seems to me a given, that I am disappointment perpetuity personified), but fearing there just might be some, of me. Yeesh. Fear of fear of fear really after all.
Writing helps, I say again, writing helps (old radio lingo habit, cause "repeat" means to fire again).
Effexor still ok, also believe the new vitamin regimen is assisting.
Post from 2011 - Who am I if I'm not suicidal? What is life like? Where am I uncomfortable because I'm not suicidal? It feels anxiously flat, a nervous nothingness So I feel ...
7 months ago