I need to stop reading other peoples' posts, it's so heartbreaking and it triggers so much shame, inadequacy, loneliness. I have no business responding to others', what I want is to take away everyone's pain, it's unbelievably brutal to read/hear history after history of women who were brutalised so young (and continue to be) and how instead of being loved and supported they were further derided and humiliated and traumatised, instead of protected, defended, comforted, loved. I know it is true, I never doubt, it rings true with me on so many ancient levels. I am so raw, bleeding, toxic, how can this continue, be in this world where so much good should be/ is (I imagine secretly) possible? How can it be that so many still get hurt? And the tv schedule is full of more stories of women being brutalised in physical, psychological and societal forms. There is always this undercurrent of blame the victim. I swear it romanticises being an abuser, it's so so sick and I cannot see things getting any better here, but then I read/hear the hundreds/thousands/millions of accounts of courage in the face of this universal brutalisation of women and children. Women fighting back through the abuse-inflicted wreckage. Scrapping back, despite the terror infusing us all. Fighting just to believe their own truth. Such suffering is everywhere. I cannot bear it. I have no business responding to others' accounts, at best I can witness and validatePain is everywhere and I have no escape. Indeed I have no right to escape, I am trying to retain some measure of moral courage. but it is so very hard.
It is this hard when I am on medication, so the medication is moot. I want to feel, feelings cannot harm me.
Thank you , thank you to those who have the courage to question.
Post from 2011 - Who am I if I'm not suicidal? What is life like? Where am I uncomfortable because I'm not suicidal? It feels anxiously flat, a nervous nothingness So I feel ...
6 months ago