WHY IS IT THAT WHEN I ACTUALLY TELL SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME, SOMEONE WHO SAYS, CALL ME, TALK TO ME, TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON, WHEN I REALLY TELL THEM ABOUT THE BAD TIMES, THEY SAY I AM WALLOWING.
So people don't really want to hear. THEY CAN'T HANDLE IT! I don't need another voice telling me I am wallowing, I'm not wallowing, I'm fucking drowning in sadness, in my own tears, how is this wallowing? Isn't wallowing supposed to fell good??? I feel trapped, I talk, people freak out, I ask for help, people freak out. I actually called the provincial healthline and the person was panicking, and I just wanted to talk, I was scared, I thought I maybe needed some medical attention and just wanted some guidance, I was hoping the person wouldn't panic. Can't people just fucking listen for a fucking change? I don't want anyone to take over and fix everything (well, ok if this was possible then yes, please, sign me up) DON'T fucking panic, DON'T offer to send an ambulance, I didn't ask for one, I just wanted to know if I should see someone, as I had clearly demonstrated my ability to make a phone call, and clearly demonstrated my ability to self-assess, (hence the call for help) just ask me what's going on, ask me what I think will help, DON'T FUCKING PANIC.
So the upshot of all of this is - in addition to feeling so sad - I now feel stripped of dignity and that Yes it is my fault I am a) not trying hard enough; b) fundamentally flawed; c) even MORE reluctant to ask for help. NOW, I'm not going to tell anyone when it's really hard because everyone I spoke to did not want to hear.
I spent years listening to others, trying to understand trying to hear between the lines, trying to accompany them to the scene of their agony, trying to help them feel less alone. I know how hard it was for me, I guess a little empathy for my frightened loved ones is in order, but when does it ever really get to be ok to have compassion for myself without fear of it ricocheting tenfold.
I know they are scared, I am scared too, I am terrified, when will someone just be brave for me? I am so very tired of being brave.
Post from 2011 - Who am I if I'm not suicidal? What is life like? Where am I uncomfortable because I'm not suicidal? It feels anxiously flat, a nervous nothingness So I feel ...
9 months ago