WHY IS IT THAT WHEN I ACTUALLY TELL SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME, SOMEONE WHO SAYS, CALL ME, TALK TO ME, TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON, WHEN I REALLY TELL THEM ABOUT THE BAD TIMES, THEY SAY I AM WALLOWING.
FUCK
So people don't really want to hear. THEY CAN'T HANDLE IT! I don't need another voice telling me I am wallowing, I'm not wallowing, I'm fucking drowning in sadness, in my own tears, how is this wallowing? Isn't wallowing supposed to fell good??? I feel trapped, I talk, people freak out, I ask for help, people freak out. I actually called the provincial healthline and the person was panicking, and I just wanted to talk, I was scared, I thought I maybe needed some medical attention and just wanted some guidance, I was hoping the person wouldn't panic. Can't people just fucking listen for a fucking change? I don't want anyone to take over and fix everything (well, ok if this was possible then yes, please, sign me up) DON'T fucking panic, DON'T offer to send an ambulance, I didn't ask for one, I just wanted to know if I should see someone, as I had clearly demonstrated my ability to make a phone call, and clearly demonstrated my ability to self-assess, (hence the call for help) just ask me what's going on, ask me what I think will help, DON'T FUCKING PANIC.
So the upshot of all of this is - in addition to feeling so sad - I now feel stripped of dignity and that Yes it is my fault I am a) not trying hard enough; b) fundamentally flawed; c) even MORE reluctant to ask for help. NOW, I'm not going to tell anyone when it's really hard because everyone I spoke to did not want to hear.
I spent years listening to others, trying to understand trying to hear between the lines, trying to accompany them to the scene of their agony, trying to help them feel less alone. I know how hard it was for me, I guess a little empathy for my frightened loved ones is in order, but when does it ever really get to be ok to have compassion for myself without fear of it ricocheting tenfold.
I know they are scared, I am scared too, I am terrified, when will someone just be brave for me? I am so very tired of being brave.
heart day
-
i was in the greeting card section of the store looking for valentines, and
a man and woman came up and stood, one on each side of me, and started
going th...
4 years ago
Posts
They just don't know what to do. I know I don't. Not everybody can just listen to a problem without wanting to fix it - that 'fix it' part is instinctual, especially when you love someone. Put a band-aid on that bloody knee. Take an aspirin for your headache. If loved ones didn't give a shit, they wouldn't try to help. That's why what you're going through is so hard for your friends and family (I have no idea what's up with the Helpline dude) - they have no idea how to 'fix you' but you must know they want to SO MUCH. If there was a band-aid for PTSD, they would put one on you and kiss you better and that's what they want to do. I don't know my arse from a hole in the ground on this subject but, as a reporter, I could listen to strangers' problems and not have the urge to fix them. I could not do the same to someone I care about.
ReplyDeleteI dunno... maybe cut them some slack. They're freaked out, you're right. But that doesn't mean you have to hold your feelings in, either. What you're doing here, venting, is awesome. You're putting it out there to the world and the world listens - no band-aids, no fixes, just silent ears.
OMG, was I just trying to fix you? I was, wasn't I?
ReplyDeleteLOL!!!
See? We're hopeless!
HUGS!!!!
Thanks Cathy, hugs back.
ReplyDeleteTelling you that you were wallowing was definitely the wrong thing to say, and very insensitive. I'm sorry that when you reached out, your voice wasn't heard. I hope that someone in your life will stand up for you and let you lean on them. Sometimes we just need someone to take over for awhile. I'm thinking of you. Sending love and {{{HUGS]}}
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Angela, love and hugs to you too
ReplyDeleteYes telling you you were wallowing and that you are drowning in your sadness was really really really wrong of them. I am so sorry you had to go through that. Yes love to you!!!
ReplyDelete