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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

More bad language

So I've been feeling better lately, ever since we came back from the BVI. It's a no-brainer really because it was a beautiful quiet place where we were very active together and sharing a great deal of nature together, this where we are at our best. I think it also reinforced the many things we have to be thankful for. So how come the doubts start to creep in? About whether I am truly laden with some "conditions" or I am just lazy. Many times when I feel that I am functioning well, then I think, so what's the big deal? Why the meds, why the therapy? Then, why am I getting help?

$^%*$^%*&$%*^&

What the hell really. Just mindf**k after mindf**k (I'm feeling coy). When I am feeling NOT sad, then I start to load on the guilt, the judgments, like for instance:

LAZY!
selfish
user
cheater
liar
man this is nasty.

wait there's more!
failure,
hurter
coward

Many time I have felt cowardly, that I didn't stand up better or differently. Effing guilt.
Toaster's up!
Hurray

2 comments:

  1. Well at least the toaster is up!
    So glad you called last night, btw.
    You certainly made my night - one less thing to feel guilty about.
    Hurray!
    :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Cathy, I'm glad I called too, it was really nice and fun talking with you!
    Toasters are unflaggingly cheerful. I might get hostile.

    ReplyDelete