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Saturday, October 23, 2010

Denial is latent anguish and hiding in my home

Too much death abounds (I know redundant again): quasi-colleague, old friend's oldest sister, wife of dad's best friend, uncle - my dad's brother essentially, 2 neighbours. It's oddly clumped together all of this death, much of it untimely. But then isn't all death untimely? Death holds sway as it were. Death and dominion, death at #1 for ever, "because I could not stop for death it kindly stopped for me " someone wrote. Death can be kind I suppose, we imagine there is such physical suffering that death brings sweet relief, we often say/hear now, "it's a blessing really", but what do we know? It's all surmise (in case that's not a noun, how about "supposition"?). Isn't any death too much? Where do we draw the line between "relief" and "untimely"? calls on the crisis line, a person simply wanting company as their pills and vodka kick in.
People make a distinction between physical pain and emotional pain - why? It's the same to me, except harder to bear because I cannot see the wound, the scar - harder to prove - I don't have a cast on my head, no brain sling, no stitches on my forehead, no splint, no drain. Not a lot of evidence, even if one were to look closely. Because the odds favour being misunderstood, I mask any clues or if I feel unable to do so, leave. So i hide in my home a great deal.

Women who have said to me"Sometimes i wish he would hit me, then I wouldn't be so full of doubt". Psychological warfare is physical in its target and impact. What is this universal campaign to make women doubt themselves, why is it easier to take on blame than direct it toward the true architects. Is it because speaking the truth would be too overwhelming (redundant - what can be only a little overwhelming I ask?). Is it worse to think our abuser doesn't love us? is it worse to think our world is not remotely what we thought it was?Is this why we choose the simpler version - I am somehow to blame?
A new friend mentioned exploring skins and the thinness or thickness of. This got me thinking. Some one like me:

is too sensitive
can't handle it/can't cut it (YOU try it!)
is lazy
is not trying hard enough
is weak
is thin skinned
wants to be depressed (??!!&(*&(* really????)
just wants attention (what's wrong with wanting to be noticed?to feel that our presence on the earth is a good thing?)
likes it (grrrrrrrrr)

Anyhow that of course is just a partial list of all the bad things attributed to people living with altered brains. Blame the victim.
I hear this so much with children and women who are being abused. With women I hear "Why does she stay?" I never hear "Why doesn't he stop? Why does he hurt her?". I know so few men who will challenge their male friends' abusive behaviour.

So there is anger. There is also compassion a willingness to see the world, to hear the world , it takes courage to really witness what goes on around us. To speak out on behalf of those whose voice is silenced.

If successful, Art speaks out reaches past the ears and eyes, right into the soul - breaks through denial. Although denial has its place in the world, denial let's us process at our own speed, even if it takes a long time to get past zero mph. Denial is latent anguish.


  1. You make such good points.
    Such a smart one, you.

  2. Thanks Mrs Webster! hugs right back!!!

  3. "it takes courage to really witness" - yes, and from what I understand you've witnessed a lot. I appreciate your description of denial - I sometimes get so frustrated with people who, I think selfishly, refuse to see how the way they live affects the rest of the world, but then sometimes i understand that it is just very scary to really see.