the flood

so tired but can't sleep. 24 days since no effexor
filled with rage
so very little patience
despairing
i have made appts with the people who have helped me in the past so there is that
i have no tolerance for bullshit
no tolerance for inauthentic people
no tolerance for myself it seems
i feel like i am running away from myself as hard as i can but i still find me and it is death it is destruction chasing me disguised as me it's so confusing and terrifying and only so very few people i can tell
i am so scared so worried i am not to going to make it like i am trapped in a flood watching myself hopelessly ebb away
helpless to do anything but lay down and hope, Hope, hope it will pass
awww sweet tears
i feel so alone but i impose it on myself
i am toxic
 i am poison and my angry outbursts make it so
leave me lone so i can die
please don't leave me alone
i cannot find any solid ground or thought
everything shifts under my tentative feet
so maybe i should stop moving but then death will find me am trying to help myself trying
everything else must need fall away