feeling really fucked over by a friend and an entitled male who decided to make me into the person (I was nearly convinced myself) who was creating all of the problems.
I find it so challenging to stand my ground when I am in conflict with someone who is seems to feel so completely right and justified and even outraged in their view of how things went bad (methinks the not-gentleman doth protested too much?). So yes I got derailed, had moments of strength but felt so intimidated and unnerved by this person's aggressively expressed convictions that I was the one doing wrong. I think now that it was a case of someone who knows they are behaving disrespectfully, on some level, but their denial of it is so fierce they cannot see let alone speak with clarity. It completely unhinged me. Their anger, their loud voice their demand that I explain myself, very intimidating and frightening for me. What I did was ask that we keep the agreement that we made. He accused me of dictating what should happen. He clearly saw himself as a victim. WOW. I honestly felt so scuttled I did not know where to go or what to say. I felt like I was trying to hide.
Very difficult to address. Feeling very beat up and, worse, unsupported aka thrown to the wolves by the friend in attendance. Perhaps the friend felt they had no choice but to mollify (the man, not me) because that was what they did, in my perspective anyway.
And yes, will discuss with safe real friends in order to explore what I could have done differently/better. That was definitely not a safe venue to be vulnerable.
Although I am reminded that the clarity resulting from this experience - of having my instincts about a person so undeniably confirmed - will eventually serve as very concrete evidence to boost confidence in my ability to assess who I allow in my safe circle.
Right now I feel really beat up and exhausted. And so so saddened that this so-called - now clearly former - friend did NOT have my back. NOT.
So a couple months from now my commitment to these 2 people will be complete and I can move on. Very sad.
Post from 2011 - Who am I if I'm not suicidal? What is life like? Where am I uncomfortable because I'm not suicidal? It feels anxiously flat, a nervous nothingness So I feel ...
11 months ago