Another bad morning I am swimming in sadness it's good to release but I despair
Losing my fight feels like a fight every day sometimes I feel like there are 1000 little skirmishes going on in my brain some days it feels like I'm just watching the nuclear warhead drop on my head and wondering if I'll make out the sun is shining today the sun doesn't do anything except make me feel guilty for not being outside
This microphone helps but I have no it's not a stream of consciousness or it is not amenable to a stream of consciousness writing which typing or handwriting does perhaps if I articulated
Articulation feels like editing and sometimes when I feel so sad I words cannot get out fast enough and the bottleneck gets excited thinking "we're coming out we're coming out" but I choke more on the words it didn't make it. This is me sighing.
Is one that I think about all the time that I've never ever sit here headed to two people now is it spam so very fight fear afraid of hurting people I don't have homicidal thoughts I fear that me speaking my truth will prove so devastating to those who love me, yet if I am truly loved my truth cannot be rejected by those who love me.
My multiplying gathering densifying black hole of fears and sucking me inside if I give room to my feelings and I give room for me to come back to emerge from this maelstrom this.
I just lost a whole bunch of writing sucks I had been talking about the diff the critical difference between giving up and what acting on suicidal thoughts feels like it's not giving up it's running out of energy
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5 weeks ago