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Monday, April 30, 2012

C'Mon Brain!!

Feeling off again, think the neurofeedback hope has receded (ok, slammed shut) and I am back to baseline. So in some ways it's good to have a reminder/grounder that there is work ahead and it's no switch. Instead I anticipate, more realistically, there will be gradual changes. But it gets me pondering the myriad sources of the damage they unearthed (unbrained - with tiny little shovels and pickaxes). A life time's worth of hard things that I have encountered, terrible stories, my hard drinking days in the early military (surely I did some damage there), bad diet (how much glucose does my brain need anyway?) lots more. They say the eeg is not diagnostic, it doesn't answer why, it just says "Hey, look! There is damage here. There is sub-normal activity here and here and maybe you might want to check out these areas as well". OK, now we see what we are dealing with, I asked them "So am I faking?"that always gets a laugh.

They say that CBT does encourage the same process except that it just does not work as quickly. Nonetheless,  eventually the new neurons will grow. I've been cbt-ing for many moons now, a joke's a joke. Neuro feedback is best for the most stuck, the least CBT-responsive, the most at risk. I guess.

I am feeling unmotivated (mired) this morning. I have a lot of art to make, arrange, organise for a new event that promises to be be fun and fruitful and full of networking and reconnecting possibilities. I think sometimes as I approach a deadline this rebellious factor rises up in me as a way to take power  but really I am just taking power from myself. I wonder if therein lies the true nature of procrastination. When I examine it, there is definitely an element of rebelling, of stubborn clinging to a position (even if said position is not particularly useful/healthy/helpful) until my fear of embarrassment surpasses the fear of losing power and I do the work "It's the last minute!"

Inertia. Procrastination. Outsiders call it laziness, cowardice, poor time management. Insert negative spin adjectives here. I have brain damage. Yippee except not really something to celebrate except (so many exceptions, so little time) for the validation, the ease away from the self-judgment, sort of. That is the huge gift of the eeg. So, come on brain!!! Let's get building and growing!

2 comments:

  1. I can definitely relate to a lot of what you wrote here, particularly the control/procrastination dichotomy.

    Good luck with your busy week! Rooting for YOU and your brain!!! :)

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    1. Hey thank you worth, how goes it with you??

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