Feeling so beyond-saving toxic. I'm my own chemical spill. Nothingness envelopes.
Frightening really, if I could feel anything so intense. Numbness or crying, that's my likert scale. Therapist helping me release, yet I wonder if I just keep stockpiling toxic feelings. The respite I have is numbness.
I'm so tired. So despairing of ever feeling better. I'm not sure if I even want to feel better anymore because of the hope of it's possibility implied. Hope can be cruel when nothing changes. I feel so weak, so unable to help myself. This toxic self loathing permeates every cell.
Where to go, what to do. Do I just give up and slowly erode into the earth? I kinda have given up in many ways. What remains?
There is band and choir.going out takes so much. Nothing feels easy or manageable, always fear-laden. I am bewildered to think that some people aren't depressed. It seems impossible to me. Can't imagine what feeling better would look like. Only maybe I would feel motivation. I would feel interest in things.
Everything feels hard. And I'm so tired. So tired.
late winter snow - just as roads and pathways were *finally* clear of snow and ice, just as i changed from heavy gloves to leather dress ones, just as i was able to wear sho...
2 weeks ago