Grief and self talk as ear worm

Attended my first death cafe the other night. I enjoyed it. And I realize I have so much unresolved and/ or unexpressed grief. I heard they had a mourning cafe so decided to try it out.

There was so much that was good about this café, but the parts that weren’t good I really got triggered by there were eight people in addition to one facilitator apparently there’s normally two facilitators, but one was not available that day and one of the group members talked so much took so much air time. I was really really uncomfortable and annoyed and the facilitator did absolutely nothing to reel them in so I decided to speak up and I didn’t handle it well and ended up alienating all the people that I just met and have been getting smiles and an encouragement from.

I’ve been feeling so low. Feeling every hit from the states. Fear and helplessness, despair over all the hurts to our planets, to the animals on the earth. Feeling like such a waste of life. Whistling the same tune really. I’m my own ear worm. 

That’s it. The same hateful talk searing my brain and my soul. The cruelty. It’s been so relentless and I guess unchecked it’s no longer words but also feelings. Dense clouds of depression saturating my being. I’m soaking in it *sing song* Relax it’s depression.

Fuck

I’m so torn about groups.  It was so painful to hear of the other folks’ losses. Burning my heart. At the risk of making myself sound heroic or something I have so much empathy and I listen so deeply it’s why I couldn’t do social work anymore. It was killing me. Still is.

That one group member is a man. And I was full of this rage as he spoke. It was so unfair. He hijacked the group and I wasn’t having it.  I don’t think I handled it well. I wish I could say I did. And all the group members rallied to his cause. I was the brand new unknown. Now of course I’m feeling like everything I’ve tried in my entire life has lead to self-alienation.

Jesus I’m angry.

And so fucking sad.

This well spring of sadness. It just doesn’t ever stop. 

I’m so lonely. So lonely.

No one calls me. I have a few friends who I text with. Yet we’re all suffering out here. We’re all drowning in dread and despair.

It’s all so very hard

Long time all at sea

 Not sure what title means but popped into my head. I’m 60 now. Unbelievable. Despair stalks me daily. It’s certainly persistent, the fucker.

Coming back to these pages after taking a couple writing classes, which I enjoyed. I know writing helps me and I met people who don’t appear to be living with depression which is an increasingly shocking idea for me to entertain. I just cannot imagine it.

Grief permeates me. And urine apparently. About 4 years ago I had a partial hysterectomy (still got them ovaries, yippee???) . Since then I’m a pee machine. Is it possible to pee my grief? As I’m so numb these days and rarely cry, is my body deciding to take things into its own hands ( laughs at self/ pun of sorts)? Is it helping me release grief by peeing. Sometimes 12x a night. That’s my personal record anyways.

So much grief. Losing my wee baby Nova, she was only 14 weeks. Never had a chance. If I was in the states I could be charged with murder, manslaughter, etc, such is the current states of their fucked up politic. 

I lost Nova as February 12 passed into the 13th in 2007. Or the 11th into the 12th? See my memory is really hole-y now too.

So much loss. And grieving things I never had. How can I lose what I never had?

Finished a ketamine assisted therapy program a month ago. The ketamine infusion part I think was helpful the group zoom therapy not so much. I lose any grounding in groups. Always so in tuned to others and their feelings and energy. So out of tune with me and my own.

My dog is 13. He’s in pain a lot.

My husband is 67. I’m pretty sure we’re negotiating a trauma bond and mostly do okay.

My parents are still alive. It’s tough for the both in so many awful ways.

That’s enough for now. Thanks for listening.

Encased in Wax

 I’m back after a long hiatus and a new pandemic. Blogging in the time of COVID 19. Struggling comme d’habitude. Some new ways, mostly familiar. It’s a week to the 14th anniversary ( must come up with new word for this annual observance that sounds a lot less celebratory) of my miscarriage. Complicated grief. At the time I wasn’t sure if I even wanted a child. Mostly I felt terror. Then the Effexor I was taking at the time made my decision for me, the baby stopped developing. The doctors assured me my body would naturally miscarry but I had some fear that she would stay with me and turn to stone, so I asked to have the miscarriage induced. So guilt, sadness, feeling like I do t have the right to grieve because I asked for the drug yet she was already gone, little Nova. So I grieve. Hearing other people talk about their children always stings. Perhaps it always will.

Depression and PTSD still stalk me. I’ve been experimenting over the last few years with different legal and illegal interventions. LSD, psilocybin (macro and microdosing) THC in oil then edible. The microdosing has been most effective at allowing me some intense emotional release but I have no current source.

I feel seriously stuck, encased in wax. The microdosing seems to be the only way of reaching me. More and more I’m convinced I was a toddler, perhaps even an infant, when I was first traumatized. There’s been so many more direct and indirect trauma since then. Fuck.

Lonely

World mental health day.

Suffering everywhere and inside. So much so I am overwhelmed and frozen.

Today is now several days later and I feel horrible. I’m microdosing and I do t feel any better, what I do feel is fucked. I know I’m tired right now and that’s frequently a contributor to low mood. I’m so tired of this life I live. Feeling worthless, disconnected, sad, so sad,

Do others feel this bad too? Are we all living this nightmare or is it possible to be happy, to feel some peace.

I feel so lonely.

an ongoing waste of air, water and space

Long time no blog.

Too much interior fuckery. Self-fulfilling prophecies. I don't do anything, I feel inadequate, I don't do anything.

My own brain is just not wanting me around. All it wants to do is keep sending me evidence of my badness.

I'm not interested in much. I feel like I'm pretending to be human. But I don't know the rules. I am lost in fog of my own design.

What an ongoing waste of Air and water and space.im just wrong.

i don't feel loved

Still here. Not enough energy to leave.
Learning more and more about how little I know: about me, about everything.

I don't feel loved. Complicating this: I wouldn't recognize it if I was loved. Also, I don't feel loveable anyway.

I feel alone and lonely, I feel too far gone. How can I learn to love myself when I have no experience of feeling love or loved?  It's a deep hole I've dug. A series of caves and passages and chambers. I'm deeply hidden. Deeply damaged.

I cannot even imagine what feeling healthy - aka depression and ptsd-free - would feel like.

Good night.

Depression is killing me

Feeling so beyond-saving toxic. I'm my own chemical spill. Nothingness envelopes.

Frightening really, if I could feel anything so intense. Numbness or crying, that's my likert scale. Therapist helping me release, yet I wonder if I just keep stockpiling toxic feelings. The respite I have is numbness.

I'm so tired. So despairing of ever feeling better. I'm not sure if I even want to feel better anymore because of the hope  of it's possibility implied. Hope can be cruel when  nothing changes. I feel so weak, so unable to help myself. This toxic self loathing permeates every cell.

Poison.

Where to go, what to do. Do I just give up and slowly erode into the earth? I kinda have given up in many ways. What remains?

There is band and choir.going out takes so much. Nothing feels easy or manageable, always fear-laden. I am bewildered to think that some people aren't depressed. It seems impossible to me. Can't imagine what feeling better would look like. Only maybe I would feel motivation. I would feel interest in things.

Everything feels hard. And I'm so tired. So tired.