usual fucking stupid existential questions

So discouraged and tired of feeling this way. disconnected feeling so alone full of poison rotting pointless, wondering all those usual fucking stupid existential questions.

don't feel i can talk to anyone, i think the new meds have helped but when i spiral down like this it's scary for me and i hurt. surrounded by sadness, loneliness, injustice i have no filters. and no outlet i feel able to use, trying to eat better, exercise more and i am but again, when the spiral grasps me in  it's cruel claws, i can only hold on and i guess do this until it lets me go.

why give me the obsession to help others then make me suck at it, that's cruel too. i'm here, why not help me use whatever skills and passions I have in good ways. too many times late for this fucking dance. wasting, but still with a large waist. fuck indeed

Apple Therapy

need to talk and cry.  Apple therapy. no one to talk to that it won't hurt, hate this trapped feeling. Just reading about Bruce Jenner and also about the honest obit a family wrote about their daughter who died of a heroin overdose. I wish we lived in a world that was honest but without cruelty, we can tell the truth with compassion, it's just harder to do, it takes work and practice too I guess. I haven't talked for a while, i did see a psychiatrist in YVR a few weeks back but it's limited although he is a caring person.I miss my old therapist.I would yell and scream and I think speak from as close to my true self as possible. Draining but healing, like draining an abscess I imagine.
Tears on my keyboard, good but could fry the whole unit, oh well.
Many dreams of late, new med and new , higher dosage, better than effexor for sure. The dreams are very vibrant again, some are disturbing as well, some are so beautiful in the colours and fabrics and actions and forms of life that abound.

Sent a risky email to someone I love, probably will cause her some tears, I hope it is helpful.

Damn my sketchy editing.

Overall I am better, suicide is a much less frequent visitor, so thank you meds.

Chipping away at artwork. Burning bridges. People don't expect the truth and I need more practice telling it. To myself as well.

Please world be a kinder place. It would be really wonderful if kindness would spring out of a desire for it rather than be an afterthought inspired by the risky and life-threatening - or fatal - acts of others.

New Meds - here goes something

new meds, cymbalta, seem to be helping - certainly the edge is further away, and I have laughed a little bit in the past week. so that is cautiously encouraging.

sleep would be nice, but I'll work at one thing at a time I guess. yeehaw

I just want to feel better

sleep, sort of, woke up laying in bed awake, have an appt to see GP for referral to psych and I guess new meds, it's clear I need something. I just don't know what's out there that maybe could work with no side effects, but I'm thinking that's impossible . If I introduce a foreign substance into my system I can expect my system t odo weird shit in response.

Thinking about suicide thinking I couldn't beat the hurt I would cause, so I just feel more trapped.

I just want to feel better.

Like anyone who is ill.

Hyperbole and a Half: Depression Part Two

Hyperbole and a Half: Depression Part Two



This is how it is for me. Thank you hyperbole and a half.

disappointed i woke up

despair crying doesn't even give me relief, triggered, embarrassed, tired when I go to bed, tired when I wake up. disappointed when I wake up, that's a very scary feeling too.

want to live, but not this way, want to feel better

Sketchy Sleep Hygiene

overall I think I'm better but this was a tough morning, too many mother references and my grief (at not being one) feels so fresh

tired too,  that generally makes for a rough morning, but I went out, walked the dog,  got some groceries

trying not to be too anxious and feel like I've already failed before the art shows actually happen

I seem quite gifted at self-fulfillng prophecies of doom, feels like a skill I've honed since birth, willing it away if I can.

time for naps.

so much for good sleep hygiene