Went to see a massage therapist yesterday, she was very good, deceptively simple moves which shifted my body - especially my head neck and back - profoundly, had little sharp things - electrical impulses really - running out hither and yon, good things, and left me altered. I am so disconnected from my body. We were discussing how only very recently as a culture we are turning to the wisdom of the body, the memory bank, the autobiography that is our bodies. That we are all walking miracles and how most of us ignore our bodies or -I chimed in - forget we have them. Reminded me of my experiences of moving through this world as a ghost presence. I cried a steady stream, pure release. There are such gently kind, quietly helpful people with such capacity, it is astounding. She is one.
Went to a couple art openings on fri night, decided to go for it and wear a ton of colour - one of the shows was all about celebrating colour and I confess I have rather embraced the artists' penchant for black attire. Although a couple artist friends and me have considered the fun of using the opening nights as a palette for self-expression and we had made a quasi-pact about deliberately dressing edgy or - in my case - non-cool. So I went for it. Go big or go home as it were.
My go-to Pink skirt (ok fuchsia) with bright orange liner (consignment store!), a pink, brown green and white flowery spaghetti strap top (not as hideous as it could have been - Winners!), a bright green jacket, pale blue, green yellow and brown knee highs and brought it home with an awesome multi fabric/fibre scarf, bright orange feather-cuff gloves and black granny boots. Frickin' awesome! And the best part was the reactions of people around me! My friends were laughing - with, not at - strangers were a curious blend of interest, amusement, obvious discomfort and nausea.
So one of my pieces - this one - won an award (a certificate but who cares?), very very exciting for me and I got called up to the front of the crowd (one of the male presenters seemed quite taken aback, particularly with the orange gloves) and could not resist being the ham said thank you and also "I didn't want to wear black!" and that "I'm gonna call my mom!" the last 2 comments eliciting laughs, so a bit of fun and real pleasure for me to feel, nice. And artist friends genuinely happy for me. Extra nice.
Now from left field, I have decided to undertake the neuro-feedback portion of the evening and have set all of the wheels in motion for same. So with this and some more massage therapy (interestingly, she asked if I have ever sustained a head injury!?!?) I am clearly ramping up this whole healing adventure. And dressing up on fri was me throwing the gauntlet down. Take that Universe. Your mother was a hamster.
Post from 2011 - Who am I if I'm not suicidal? What is life like? Where am I uncomfortable because I'm not suicidal? It feels anxiously flat, a nervous nothingness So I feel ...
10 months ago