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Sunday, October 16, 2011

How low can I go

I hate being depressed. Whenever anyone notices (or decided they have figured out something they can say) why do they always seems surprised to hear I am having a bad day? Hello. This is depression , it's not whimsical (ok, well we can debate that) it isn't something I have"once in a while", it doesn't go into  remission. It is there the whole time. Pretty much everyday is a bad day, with the odd element of niceness.Yes, I am always depressed. Every fucking day is a fight, the only difference, aka when i might seem different, is when I happen to be managing/hiding it better that particular moment.

I have a family friend dying of cancer. We're all fairly certain she's not going to live much longer. I too live with a possibly fatal illness but that doesn't get openly acknowledged as such. People are too afraid to say anything (that is the generous outlook - the not so generous outlook is where I just think no one gives a rat's ass and/or has difficulty believing it's not my fault).

I do not want to be depressed.

I do not want PTSD. I am jumpy, suspicious, want to hide all the time, can't focus, memory is swiss-cheesy, have really nasty thoughts and dreams.

My friend doesn't want  cancer. I'll take her cancer. She wants to live. I'm not sure most days. People will be better off with her in the world. I'm fairly certain at least some people would be much happier if I was not around - so long as they are being honest.

I woke up - again, feeling so lonely and horrible. Then I finally get to the pain of it. Being sad all of the time really hurts a lot. Feeling like a bad person hurts. I hurt all of the time, And I feel very small and cheap right now because I don't have cancer. People say things, meaning well poor things, like "there is always someone worse off". That doesn't help, was it supposed to? Now I feel worse for being small enough to feel sad  - for myself [and for whatever other effing reasons I feel sad] - when someone is dying of cancer. I guess I'm supposedly that much better off. I guess.

But here's the thing(s): people don't get mad at her for having cancer, people don't blame her, or suggest there is something defective about her, or hint that perhaps she deserves it or couldn't cut it or suggest I go find some volunteer work somewhere??????? Although when cancer was first being talked about, apparently people did say those kind of shitty things.

I have no idea what I need or want, except to not feel depressed and to not live with PTSD.

I like to work, I'm a hard worker, it's just that now I'm pretty much unreliable and it's shameful and embarrassing (or does that mean the same thing? I forget).

I'm glad to write, that is important to me, to get through the stagnation, the bottlenecking, to release. This helps.


  1. I have nothing to say, I guess, because I don't know what to say... but I am listening and I do give a rat's ass. A big fat rat. With beady eyes and a skinny tail with wiry hairs sticking out of it. And spots. The rat has spots. It's name is Patches.