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Monday, February 21, 2011

Warning: Anatomically Correct Memory

My body keeps my oral history. Or better, lingual or (warning overused word approaching) metaphysical??Well. Body memories are dogged, I have worked very hard to dis-connect from my body (or maybe that was just an autopilot thing) but sometimes, they launch. usually in my genital area. I'll never be certain why. I have some ideas, but never certainty. Sometimes its oddly reassuring because if this is what I was dealt as a toddler (for some reason I'm thinking 2-3 yrs) then it explains everything about me. The lack of boundaries, the passiveness, the weak joints (oh yes, I put up as big a struggle as my little self could). Knees, Hips, Shoulders, all have made their presence known over the years. When one is held down, one fights, one fights, one fights...then stops because it doesn't work. Doesn't work. The promiscuity. The LACK OF SELF ESTEEM. The GHOST PRESENCE. I fought - my body confirms I did, but no one noticed = I don't exist, because if I did, someone would have noticed and helped me, right??can't change that. Can't know. can't know in a way I can comprehend and put to rest. My body is trying to help me, I guess. Some sort of reenactment where I get the chance to experience without the danger, a kind of self-EMDR (does this work?). Except that I fight again, i think STOP STOP, I push with all my might, I  remain terrified. Terror is my invisibility cloak. I wear it everyday, no ones sees. It's molten, it's fused to my skin. Physical intimacy fraught with dread. I have been robbed of so much. Many, so many of us, robbed of life before we even know we are alive. There's no pawn shop with serial numbers of our souls. We cannot reclaim.I live with this mystery. It is coloured outside of the lines. So my art is as well. And my alarm system is in on.

1 comment:

  1. Kelly it's so hard ... I have fragmented memories and one very concrete but only because two other people went through the experience too. I always feel like I have to take care of the triggers instead of letting the memories back. That's as much as I can handle but at the same time I always fell like I have so much to prove. Yeah that feeling of nonexistence or not being valued or kept safe. I think it is true that our bodies never forget what we can't tolerate to remember because it's so painful and scary. I have these moments everyday now where I get lost in feelings of powerlessness and feeling like a whore and I can sorta figure out where the triggers/ memories are coming from and at other times have not a clue.

    You're not alone and you are so right too many of us.

    Take care Kelly thanks for sharing :)