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Saturday, January 22, 2011

Puppy Love

Too much traffic in my head. Things darting in and out like angry rabbits, memories, feelings, judgments taking little nips at me then skittering away. Some don't dart, some sink in their damning maws and draw  blood. My puppy is in my head. Not so surprisingly I suppose, he has become a clear window through which to see - even more glaringly - how passive and frightened I am. all the time. Although the intent was for him to be my dog as therapy as nonjudgmental role model for me, but in 3 short wks I am not alpha - K. is -  and I am not assertive enough. I have so much fear, and puppy reads me rather well. I try to be the calm assertive Dog Whisperer advises, but I am neither. It's not his fault. I watch my partner with him and there is this easy strength (although he gets frustrated too), he plays with the dog in a way I realize I have no clue about. I don't know how to play. I feel threatened  and he reads. I feel uncertain and he reads. Such a little scholar. He is beautiful and lovely and likes my company but clearly sees K as the one to go to. So my little lonely self feels abandoned.

Trigger happy. I am in my head rending, churning out as much evidence as it can, elucidating failures. I am feeling rather starkers (yes, naked and raving). There are much worse things in the world than to have a constant reminder of my doormat-self. I'm trying to escape but this overriding (or underpinning - either way I'm surrounded) sense of  doom does tend to shred one. Dispirited are us. I have black and white positions, fear and attack. I just want it to go away, I want to stop feeling so bad inside. I'm becoming more and more convinced that it's just not gonna happen. So bleak so spare this inner terrain,  I am a miracle of lichen surviving under harsh conditions. How does a mind (using the term loosely) get this way, I mean it's a rhetorical question as I believe I have some pretty good ideas about that, but it's crying out from within, I just don't want to hurt anymore, is it too much to ask? I didn't ask for it so someone something please take it away. Have I been so awful that i am meant to feel punished and unliveable, I have not earned a life so it would seem. Yet I am here, awash in this excreta. Increta really, it's inside and it's all been said, felt thought before. I am by no means charting new waters here, and so I feel ashamed to ask for so much. So much. Don't I have enough all ready? But I'm going through some motions, others I am not even trying. I'm not living my own life, someone else should have been given this chance, I appear to be wasting mine away. I wrestle with writing all this down in public, I rationalise by saying I can put my thoughts down quicker and not miss so much in my efforts to houseclean, yet I know I also want to be seen, and loved. I don't love me though. Others profess too but it rolls off like rain over oil. There's nothing worth loving in here I whisper. Give your love where it will do some good.

I pop my pills and there is less edge, but it's still looming out there, very close, willing me to just go, slip over. I'm still here, so something is keeping me going, but I'm not happy about it. Ha. ha.


  1. Thank god you're still here! Wish I could help convince you that you are not wasting your life, that you are a valuable and important person. As for puppy, they always seem to go to the man in any relationship. I don't know why, but they do. Cut yourself a little slack... just a little. And take this internet HUG as the real thing. oxoxo

  2. Ohhhh what you write is all to familiar. It's almost uncanny how our two minds seem to play the same exact tricks - and how they suck the life out of you. Right now I am in San Diego staying with family and working with a trauma therapist who seems to speak a language that is getting through to me, piece by small piece. It's really a hard slog, but as I am turning 40 very soon I am kicking myself in the butt and saying enough pain is enough! What do you still enjoy? Do more of it. I'm not going to even try to summarize my therapy here, just to say that I'm somewhat hopeful after a loooong time of painful resignation, and perhaps it's worth trying again to find some good support for yourself. Because you ARE SO WORTH IT.

  3. Thank you both. Very much.

    Jessica I am so glad for you, we are all worth it.

  4. Through your words I just felt a sense of relief, I ve been trying to change some things in my life through therapy and I can get so caught up in how I should be doing that reading your words was like a release to feel how I am still feeling. Maybe we can feel safe to feel our feelings especially the really heavy ones sometimes when know we are not alone.

    I have two dogs that are now eight I love them dearly but training them as puppies was so stressful for me, I thought all the time I was doing a bad job but now I look back and puppies are so so so much work!!! Now my dogs just like to relax and take a walk ( it's all good), the puppy stage doesn't last forever even though they are really adorable.

    Take care Hillary and yes you are worth it

  5. Dear Heather
    Thank you and yes, knowing I'm not alone has been such a release an epiphany for me, thank you. I believe it's crucial to allow ourselves our feelings, if left unacknowledged they just turn toxic for us. And thanks for the encouragement about my puppy, he really is lovely. Take care

    Kelly (Hillary was my old cat who I loved dearly)

  6. You're not alone, and I appreciate being able to come here. And you're so right about allowing ourselves to feel - I tried the other way and it didn't work out too well for me.

  7. Thank you Lou, thanks for stopping by...take care