Search This Blog

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The long line of the let down

I am so restless and anxious right now. I am trying not to eat  or play solitaire or anything else that won't really help. We have a new puppy and he is a beautiful dog and it is a good and positive addition to our tiny family. So I know I a thankful for him, yet I also feel that somehow this new positive element in my life overrides any permission to feel shitty. And i do. Feel shitty. I can look aside and say  it's jet lag, it's new vulnerable life as puppy, family grief (always there as a low-grade electrical current, just the other side of pleasant), feeling demands to be a good pet carer of-er. Billions of people have had and continue to successfully have pets, one or many. Some of these billions even successfully raise children. So where is this lack of self-faith. My brain says I'll never know "why", although I could hazard some sharp guesses, with these revelations there lingers an aftertaste of doubt, spoiling, tainting the fleeting good feeling. So fleeting it never actually got to the good part.

I feel competitive with this puppy - how ill is that? I have been trying to give myself and pup time outs. It seems to help. we just had a nice gentle quiet time together. I am so afraid of harming him, damaging him in any way. His spirit is so bold, so boundless. So brave, he seeks out, he  examines - I can see him learning. It is fascinating. I envy this. It is hard to detect evidence of self-learning. again, the verge of tears WTF. The cruelty of depression is how mystified it leaves me. all I know is this heaviness, unease, unassailable. I feel it is wrong. I know it is wrong. It has been said countless times that how I feel is normal for my experiences, yet there is no commensurate balm. I remain unassuaged. For now. (SAY! wasn't that hopeful???)

It's many triggers.

I am tired.

I have a new responsibility that I dread/anticipate failing.

Family is always searing. How many times can a heart break?

The long line of the let down shuffle forward, there is no escape from their bleak grief. The guilt. My guilt.

I want to make everything better for everyone. How's that for goal setting?

I think this is why I stopped writing emails. Good for those who can soldier on. I wonder if i ever have.

I feel untested still, yet endlessly tested, ahhhhhhhh, paradox thy blade cuts twice.


  1. Hey Kel - first of all - HUGS!!!!
    You know what? You can't really fail a dog. They love everything. Forgive everything. And they unconditionally love you no matter what you do.
    Just hug him lots.
    (Oh, and good luck with the toity-training - to me, that's the hardest thing. Oh, and the chewing- hide those Birkenstocks!)
    Pet him and love him.

  2. Thanks Cath

    (They're just faux-instocks really). He is a super sweetie.

    Thanks for the hugs, here come some right back!
    Love Kel

  3. Ohhh my your words reflect so many of my depressed, shitty sentiments. Sometimes I feel guilty for being so negative, for not trying hard enough. Even tho I'm trying as hard as I can. I appreciate you and your self-expression, even when it's hard.
    I think I'd be vulnerable to some of your sentiments if I had a puppy. I got my dog after he was already damaged, literally run over. We're both somewhat tormented souls. What Cathy says is true - dogs do love you in a MUCH more accepting way than people do. So even when you don't feel like talking to anyone, you can pet your dog and he'll be psyched. And yes, your puppy is learning, and optimistic, and lots of things you feel you're not, but remember - he's not that smart. Sometimes I think lack of insight is a blessing, but it does, in theory, allow us to appreciate and enjoy lots of things your puppy never will.
    I could go on and on, but that's enough for now. Big hug.