waking up spent

So more of the same. Lying in bed, another day. Wishing just to give my life to someone who wants it.  Let me have their cancer, diabetes , their terminal illness, then they can live and there won't be 2 lives wasted. Kind people trying to cheer me up, waste of time as it falls off me. Feeling ashamed and guilty knowing there's people I care about suffering but they do not want to talk to me. They say I cause them to much stress, I'm  too self absorbed. They don't like that. They want me to be their automaton, do what they say, stay quiet, they say I insert myself. Doesn't everyone want to feel included? To feel they matter? They just seem to want me to stay invisible and silent, like when I was little. These are toxic relationships with people who have no idea, or Interest in seeing how toxic they are. Yet, I need to focus on what I can do to help myself, all of do. If we don't care for ourselves first we have nothing left to give others. I don't have much left. I wake up spent. That's not good.

Go Target Your Repressed Feelings Elsewhere

Warning: don't read this if you think talking about feelings is weak, or self indulgent or whiny, in fact fuck off if you think this. I need to speak my truth, and that is that I am in emotional agony,everyday, and I'd like to enjoy living and that I'd like to have gratitude for all of the things I have and all of my good fortune but I do not. I am exhausted. Despite whatever sleep I manage to scrape out in the night, I wake up exhausted, I wake up can't-waiting till I get to crawl into bed again. Lots of days I crawl into bed in the middle of the day anyway. This is no way to live and yet I do. And I feel so indulgent and shamed knowing full well that many people won't live to see their 1st birthday or will witness unimaginable horrors in their lifetime or have to leave their homes because of war and so many more people in the world than I suffer. I know this. Yet speaking this denies my feelings. How can I live a fully humane and compassionate and helping existence, like I want, and deny how bad a shape I'm in.
So I think about dying a great deal, because I want this pain to stop, I can't run away from it, masking it with anti-depressants just numbs me out and I might as well be dead for all I do, yet here I am again doing nothing.
Fuck all of you who think I am selfish. Just fuck off to those who say they love me but bully me and tell me how bad I am.
I would love to feel alive and do all the things with all of the gifts I was born with, the ones I have not earned. Whose cruel jest was it that I have no energy or motivation to use these skills. What was the fucking point of that?

I don't believe there are any gods, and if there are any they can also just fuck.right.off.

This world is full of hurting, agonized innocents. Don't tell me there is a plan. There is just fucking cruelty and greed and suffering with a smattering of kindness to fuck me up with hope.

I'm cutting the mean ones out, go target your repressed feelings elsewhere, don't tell me how strong you are as you bully the vulnerable or better yet get some insight. Get some fucking courage.

Ok. Better.

boundary assailants

Struggling, trying to let go, trying not to cling to the desire of hurting back. Feeling so hurt, shocked, reeling, unsure how to handle. So many feelings, deep sadness, betrayal, injustice, rage, where to go with it. Processing with goal of no further hurting yet also to proceed with clearly demarked and protected personal boundaries. The realization that some people will no longer be allowed near me, for my own protection. Has taken me a long time to get here and I just feel so sad at the inevitability of it, I cannot change anyone. I can only and barely change myself.

It hurts to learn that people I look up to, love, think so very little of me, think I  am certain  things, without checking with me. Feeling misunderstood to a startling degree. Open to learning aka what if all the things they said about me are true? Then I am as awful a person as I feared. So why does it feel so wrong? Confusing.

I want people to tell me the truth, I don't think I'm very self aware. It sure hurts though, can they all be so right, so convinced of their rightness?  Hope not.

Currently Self-stoppered

Sitting here feeling low. No motivation (ok I did just email my therapist, it's been  maybe 4 months since I last saw her). I'm long overdue for submitting some writing to my supervisor. Psychiatrist wants to change my meds to an MAOI rather than an SSRI or SNRI. I would rather quit them. The idea of Marijuana use has been more in my thinking. Not smoking but drinking or eating, add it to salads or Smoothies???? Brilliant.

This numbness is nothing. Is this how I am protecting myself. When I do feel it's just anguish; for myself, for others. And lots of guilt and shame for not using what gifts I possess to help the world. There is so much need right now, as ever and I do not know where to direct  any excess energy I might have. I am fearful of letting people down. I feel like that is all I can do, what a skill set. I want to help yet I'm not helping myself much in any soul-restoring way.  Nothing seems to feed me, I am inertia, I balk at movement.

Depression sucks. Although the internal argument rages: I'm faking it, I'm not trying hard enough. No one I will allow myself to speak to.  I could talk for days and days I know, just an endless stream of thought, feeling, once unstoppered. Currently self-stoppered.

I want to feel better, some say i should express gratitude and that that will help me feel better. Maybe I am not sincerely grateful. I have all these external trappings, yet remain depressed. Can I be truly grateful if numb? My feelings are jockeying for position. The sadness I feel wants to be heard first before anything else, it wants, understandably, to be honoured with acknowledgment. It wants attention.

I am still waiting to be rescued, noticed in a way that finally instills self-love. Hence the rush after performing. I don't think I'm a good candidate for choir, I'm very needy and am not always in control of that, so I can see where I could become problematic. I feel so much anxiety when I am there, I love to sing but know my neglected self wants attention so much I will cause problems.

I guess I need to call and talk to the group about this, somehow.

Awww, the feelings are almost here,I'm glad I wrote, even if it makes sense only to me, it's helped me connect to me. So good for me for writing.

threat from within

 So my feelings are here I'm not sure what it's about just sitting here in tears welling up wanting to connect but not wanting to call anyone because I don't want to bother anyone these are the times I feel alone  these are the times when I feel for an end alien I'm sitting in my chair of comfort surrounded by it's soft arms it's like a little cave I sink in I hide  but I need the tears to come I felt nothing for a while now some sort of safety in numbness I don't know what to do the world is so much pain and I sit here not doing anything just feeling the same wanting to rescue everyone And I can't I have so much privilege I want to give it all up but I don't think that's possible so the alternative is to go and use my privilege for someone else's help such a helpless feeling but I am not any threat of death except that my own hand there's no war here except inside, no one is bombing me no one is threatening me, just me. The threat comes from within.

reeling for 45 years

Seeking grace amidst disappointment and I guess a sense of betrayal, these are dangerous feelings for me. Ever since the first great betrayal - that I remember - I have not responded well to real or perceived betrayal. It cuts me very deeply. The test now is how I respond, I have great doubts in my ability to be gracious. I worry that I am not cut from that cloth. So now I'm thinking of who I can seek for advice as to how best to handle it. I feel the parallels between when i was asked to leave that and, and really, deservedly so, much to my regret and shame. I remember a few days later thinking. Thinking hard about hanging my self from a playground. That was 11 years ago. The original one was close to 45 years ago and I can still feel the reel, the numbness from it being too big and awful to take in.

The high road is harder, it's daunting especially when I really want to say stop with the fucking betrayals already. Just stop.

Don't feed me shit about how all this makes me stronger, wiser , I can't see it. Just feel more scarred, more cut, more bloodshed. Hope I don't contract an emotional infection. All these open wounds, can't keep track of all of them.

Argh

Hatred as Default

 I have been trying to quit Twitter, as with everything else I quickly became addicted and just felt
Heartbroken, so much potential lost in misunderstanding and anger. So many angry people, it's so overwhelming I just could not take it all in. I learned just how protected my life has been and is, living on this island in this very homogenous population doesn't test me often. People who aren't white, who'd have less economic means than I, people, with more severe physical and mental limitations,not getting the support they should, if we really were a universally caring society, if compassion was our #1 motivator, would we all be dead? Has our drive for survival led us to default to violence rather than peaceably resolved hurt and disappointment. Are we just all about survival of the species to the extent that we wilfully erase our fellow humans because they look different, are we just an extreme herd mentality, is this what informs and feeds our racism our hatred.

Despondency is a clinging mist if I ever breach(too active a verb, how about glimpse) my depressive cloud immersion. Does my body think I need depression like I need Water, is depression really just an internal revolutionary act, does depression force me to stay safe. I do kinda get clobbered pretty much every time I venture into the world.