Lonely. What's new. My heart aches.
I don't know which is worse, the loneliness I feel when I am alone or the loneliness I feel when either with or looking at people.
I know it's not what is meant for a human existence, it's counter-survival, so that at least satisfies me that there is something wrong about how my mind works, I know I've seen the EEGs, yet I still doubt. There is a part of me that wants me to be the deliberately bad thing that it is something I have chosen, .like a part of me is gaslighting myself. That crazy-making psychological abuse lives inside me, doubting every conclusion I draw. And stillI ache.
Trying to get to the feelings and out of my head. Everyone makes mistakes right? So why do I never cut myself any slack. I cut people out of my life instead. Auto-removal.
Poisonous one that is me.
Here's an idea I've been idea-ing for a while - write songs about depression.
I hurt. I am sad. I want to cry all the time (that's sounds singable doesn't it?).
Just let me cry already.
Post from 2011 - Who am I if I'm not suicidal? What is life like? Where am I uncomfortable because I'm not suicidal? It feels anxiously flat, a nervous nothingness So I feel ...
1 year ago