The loss of things I’ll never know I lost

 I’m so far inside and my self hatred is spilling over into imagining others hate me too. I’m so low right now yet ironically sort of safe cause I have no energy or motivation to hurt myself.  This is not living. It’s hard . Everyday. I’m up, obsessing over people’s imaginary hatred of me.

There a quote yesterday on FB that fit for me. Speaking of the grief that accompanies trauma. The loss of things I’ll never know I lost. Because so much was stolen from me. Because I’m so disconnected, so with drawn, so well defended. I’m incapable, or certainly feel incapable, of forming real connections with others. I still feel strange. Alien. Increasingly so. 

I know we all carry burdens. Troubles. Yet I look around and see people that are living, playing out their lives with seeming purpose. They haven’t given up.

I suppose I haven’t given up either yet I’m so fucking tired. There is nothing of interest.nothing. And I just hide. I lie in wait. What for? I wish I knew. Some relief? It’s up to me. There’s no one coming for me except death. Everyone is trying to get by. Everyone is thinking of their own way to manage this life. I’m on my own. Alone with all the other lonely. I’m losing my ability to reach out. I feel unfixable.

All those things I’ve mentioned before. They all still apply. Yet I protect others from me. There seems no point in telling others of my internal wasteland. The voice in my head constantly admonishing me for weakness, ego, whining: anything I think - it has a disparaging answer for.

Grief and self talk as ear worm

Attended my first death cafe the other night. I enjoyed it. And I realize I have so much unresolved and/ or unexpressed grief. I heard they had a mourning cafe so decided to try it out.

There was so much that was good about this café, but the parts that weren’t good I really got triggered by there were eight people in addition to one facilitator apparently there’s normally two facilitators, but one was not available that day and one of the group members talked so much took so much air time. I was really really uncomfortable and annoyed and the facilitator did absolutely nothing to reel them in so I decided to speak up and I didn’t handle it well and ended up alienating all the people that I just met and have been getting smiles and an encouragement from.

I’ve been feeling so low. Feeling every hit from the states. Fear and helplessness, despair over all the hurts to our planets, to the animals on the earth. Feeling like such a waste of life. Whistling the same tune really. I’m my own ear worm. 

That’s it. The same hateful talk searing my brain and my soul. The cruelty. It’s been so relentless and I guess unchecked it’s no longer words but also feelings. Dense clouds of depression saturating my being. I’m soaking in it *sing song* Relax it’s depression.

Fuck

I’m so torn about groups.  It was so painful to hear of the other folks’ losses. Burning my heart. At the risk of making myself sound heroic or something I have so much empathy and I listen so deeply it’s why I couldn’t do social work anymore. It was killing me. Still is.

That one group member is a man. And I was full of this rage as he spoke. It was so unfair. He hijacked the group and I wasn’t having it.  I don’t think I handled it well. I wish I could say I did. And all the group members rallied to his cause. I was the brand new unknown. Now of course I’m feeling like everything I’ve tried in my entire life has lead to self-alienation.

Jesus I’m angry.

And so fucking sad.

This well spring of sadness. It just doesn’t ever stop. 

I’m so lonely. So lonely.

No one calls me. I have a few friends who I text with. Yet we’re all suffering out here. We’re all drowning in dread and despair.

It’s all so very hard