tears

 Having a sad day just back from a walk that's about all I've been able to achieve today although I did shower feels like a big deal I got out of bed but woke up so disappointed to wake up every morning I wake up and wish I hadn't I want to stay in this dream state street and send it that's so stupid the only place I could get some rest though I'm not rested when I wake up I don't know what you're going through is this perpetual abyss this perpetual prison of my brain it's good that the tears come once again I am wondering when they'll ever stop if there'll ever stop if there'll ever be an end to die for sure will be all over I'm only 53 that's all

Time to grow up

Challenging time, gotta speak in code. So hurt, betrayed yet also questioning: am I fundamentally unfair? Is my judgmental nature such that no one stands a chance, least of all myself? Confusing. Mainly likely due to having no boundaries, or extremely rigid ones, no trust, no faith in myself or others. The loneliness is the worst. Who do I talk to? Some ideas, starting with some new resources. Don't want to call family, feels unfair. Really scared. Time for me to grow up. Learn to look after myself.