The veneer is very thin today, capable of osmosis. Tiredness seriously degrades any coping/avoidance. I walk, my mind is empty - deliberately so. There is movement below, but I stifle it. How much do I stifle everyday. A great deal methinks. Sadness lurking. Anonymous sadness - too many contributors. it's not one trauma - it's many many. My artists' mind conjuring vivid horrors. Hearing the screams of people directly facing the nightmare that is not a nightmare. It's true. "My father's face is gone!". "I don't know how many people I killed". "He tied me up for three days". "Everything's so much better, we communicate so well, he broke my wrist last week. we're doing do much better". "He shot himself in the head right beside me". "I buried him by driving over and over his body, pressing him into the sand". Then my brain kicks in to shut it all off, no more, that's enough. So I'll sleep.