Caked in Darkness

feeling quite lonely and I know it's what I have created for myself because I find it so hard to be around most people the isolation is stinging.  i haven't gone anywhere much since returning from Vancouver and the loneliness is charged.

i'm feeling physically better so perhaps my fears aren't that justified perhaps it's cysts coming and going

the pain has certainly decreased and so it's maybe even IBS, not sexy but manageable.

depression really fucking sucks

i want everyone to know and to feel sorry for me that's certainly true and simultaneously don't want anyone to talk to me and also want to talk to someone.

but talking is only a temporary fix i want a permanent end to this fucking shit

i want an end to  the paranoia

i want to stop hurting other people with my poison i want to stop being/feeling poisonous.

i long for some peace

most of the time when I ask myself the question as serious as I can, when I contemplate it most soberly I think i want to live but I find it very hard

there is so little joy

there should be some I think, joy that is

i would like to be someone who really lives who really lives the crap out of life

Robin Williams' suicide has hit very close and I feel a little ashamed of this because he is a stranger to me and yet I know we could have conversed familiarly on the lure of death and our efforts to numb adn also to feel something other than this darkness

caked in darkness
without the sweetness

doused in darkness
there was no flame

poetry escapes me

skin as casket

over 3 months no effexor

i'm still here but i'm having additional worrisome symptoms which i did see my doc about. he thinks most likely irritable bowel, certainly that could be but there's other stuff going on so I called back. we shall see. had some blood work done, we'll see if anything shows. I noticed he's checking that gland again whose name escapes which had been checked a decades ago but was fine then. Having been doing too much.

encased in a skill of con-life.

Robin Williams is dead of suicide.

fuck

the chicken dinosaurs of depression

this vile skin that has encased me, holds me captive, relentless, panoptic, vicious, tireless eater of my soul. wants me gone, wants me dead. it's exhausting fighting this invisible opponent, exhausting fighting myself.

so very tired. feeling so bad.

nothing peaks my interest, my laughter is so sparse.

brutal, slow, tiny little bites like those little chicken dinosaurs.

people try and help and i do appreciate that they care, or at least i try to. but there doesn't seem to be any lift, any break, any amelioration.

more big words that don't quite capture the dread and despair that are my constant companions.

fuck

Brodman Areas

trapped in nether zone, not up not down not even, well I guess down cause I feel flat, like a bottom of something. Bored but not energised to fill my time with something interesting. Tomorrow I take my work down to the show and they will set it up along with my colleagues' work (note the term used).

Back to neurofeedback, read up on my affected Brodman areas, it makes sense. 2 regions of note are those associated with "treatment resistant" depression (whatever) and that would appear to be me. Also involved are heavy thinking associated with unremitting downward spirally thinking, that again would be me.

Feeling pretty friendless. I think I try very hard to control my surroundings and I think that includes the people I choose to be in my life. I think, and this is not pretty or easy to admit, that I have very manipulative behaviours and that I try to surround myself with people  whose behaviours I think can predict - pretty arrogant, but also true I think. I am a controlling person. Not very nice.

I am working on being a kinder person, more driven by compassion than my hurt feelings. Cause i get triggered then want to lash out at the target in question but then if I act out of compassion instead, there is the opportunity for growth and healing, perhaps for both of us.

I just wish I didn't feel so shitty all of the time. That really is awful, hurting so much so often, it just stops me. It just stops me from participating in this world in a meaningful way.
Bleah.

My eyes aren't adjusting well

and plummeting down again, it's so discouraging. making headway it seems then I'm back in this hole. shit.
but the bright side is that if I am having moments of above the line this is what throws my down side into sharp relief.
so much is going on that is positive and life-force affirming but now that, for the first time in a long time., I have something to compare the blackness to, it seems blacker, my eyes do not adjust so well. And I just feel so tired and spent, it really sucks.
This above the line feels so  fragile, I place so much trust in it and then it falls apart. surprise.
blah.

On my way

so much better. although a migraine is plodding out of my head.

Met with an incredibly authentic, kind, gracious, brilliant woman at UVic who has agreed to be one of my PhD supervisers. Such an overwhelming feeling of gratitiude. I felt not only heard, but seen. Being seen and welcomed aboard is so very validating, although the term validating is inadequate to express how I felt while speaking with her.

I immediately wrote to another prof who said no but who encouraged me to contact some other folks. Which reminds me I may have a "cross" referral there too! Better get to it.

After this emboldening, heartening experience, I  could feel all of the other recent crap just float away in its mediocrity and smallness. Sigh.

Feeling a lot less obsessed over fb.  I am so relieved, a very powerful addiction for me, I realise I would never be able to use it in a healthy way. I am better off blogging and emailing and skyping and telephoning and writing. And walking!

I am so thankful that I have had these recent reminders of what happiness can feel like, and I know more clearly now what got me there. I think definitely the more intensive exercise and getting serious about my diet.

So let's go...