Another remembrance day come and gone. People saying thank you for your service. Some kindness is nice, always. Yet I begin to understand when I had heard/read other vets saying they don't feel comfortable about being told"thank you" and I was feeling that yesterday and today. Hence crabby.
I think what would help me more is someone calling me and asking how I am and further being willing to hear the ugliness that ensues. Because I do not feel very proud of the mistakes I have made and while I can say there were times i did feel I actually helped people, most of the time I felt a failure, thus I cannot authentically accept the thank you(s). I sent my family a link to an article written by a combat vet, different from me, but one which resonated. In retrospect, that feels like a mistake as I could see it being a request for the ever reviled "attention".
I feel alone, unworthy, angry, abandoned, ashamed, cowardly, ad nauseum.
If you care, just call and just be willing to listen. There is NOTHING anyone can say to me. Yet, a willing ear, that would be a gift.
Post from 2011 - Who am I if I'm not suicidal? What is life like? Where am I uncomfortable because I'm not suicidal? It feels anxiously flat, a nervous nothingness So I feel ...
8 months ago