My therapist is encouraging me to honour my rage, as a means to honour my feelings whilst keeping me safe from harm. It is so tricky to allow myself to express it, I think it is why i appreciate hard physical labour so much. We talked about swimming and the other day I felt so good after a very challenging hike (clearly haven't been hiking too strenuously lately).
I feel held hostage by the intensity of my feelings and I know, I know, that keeping them inside is so much more dangerous for me. My fuse is so short.
So what does honouring my anger look like? Is it like the guys who place the charges on the mountainside in order to trigger a safer avalanche? is it like deliberately setting a fire to burn a patch of forest to prevent the out of control fire from jumping across? Is it that volcano I saw in Costa Rica (Arenal) that erupts just a little everyday so it doesn't blow like St Helen's? I guess so since I was coming up with these metaphors (?) that speak to me.
I talked about blogging and that I thought it was helpful. The physicality of typing is a necessary component, there needs to be some sort of physical expression coinciding with the words I choose to record.
So the strenuous hike, so healthy for all the reasons. perhaps a bit more screaming into my pillow.
Swimming, a strong stroke.
Swimming in Maui helped keep me grounded for sure.
I have been picking up and putting down my art, this is the most frustrating part, I cannot, or at least feel unable to, work on my art, that is how rattled I am.
What happened today was so utterly unjust. It explains how shattered I feel right now. My feelings attest to the reality of this harsh experience for me.
Ugliness. Punished for standing up for myself.
Post from 2011 - Who am I if I'm not suicidal? What is life like? Where am I uncomfortable because I'm not suicidal? It feels anxiously flat, a nervous nothingness So I feel ...
6 months ago